Parents: We Are The Problem

The world is filled with hate.

We see it on the news and social media. We see hate in the schools, on sports fields and even in line at the grocery store. 

Our family has been a victim of hate and of  targeting and it didn't happen because of our skin color or our socioeconomic status. It happened because the parents let it. As parents we are the ones letting hate thrive in our culture.  This problem is ours. 

For our family it happened as what a lot of people see as "innocent hate" - schoolyard taunts, exclusions and social media shaming. Sometimes this innocent hate stops after the school yard or when high school is over but other times is goes unchecked- growing and festering until we see these schoolyard bullies on the local news. 

Think about it this way. 

Every protester we see, Every single person holding a sign while not holding a job- they are someone's child. They had the influence of parents and other adults for years leading to the very moment we see them on the news. The hate in their hearts has been ignored and cultivated long before the moment we see them on the local news. It passed through many adults before it showed its ugly face on the news. 

Yet, nothing changes. It not only doesn't change but It has progressively gotten worse. We know these seemingly little moments of hate will sooner or later turn into full blown  I don't care who sees me hate and we do nothing.

For the last two years I have been writing a book about bullying which I feel has somehow become a form of hate that we excuse or don't seem to mind.  I've poured into it for two full years and recently in a complete moment of clarity, I shredded it. It was liberating (and maybe a little crazy). I did not do this out of anger or frustration but because I knew it was time. Our focus needs to shift. I was trying to be a voice for those that don't have one when I finally realized that they dont need my single voice they need a collective battle cry from every single parent. 

This world is a hate- filled mess. It is right  now and it was two years ago when my family was seeing it up close and personal. It's not a political problem. It's not a school problem or a government problem. 

It's a parenting problem. 

It's time that we all stop playing the victim role so well and start seeing our world, including bullying for what they really are. 

A full blown parenting crises. 

The turning away from family time in favor of other activities.  The slow decline of a parent's influence and voice with regards to raising our own children. 

No amount of research data or public service announcements will actually prepare you for when your family is in the midst of a crises -bullying, hate-filled or otherwise.  I am proof.  

I was in the midst of writing, researching and collecting data for which would have become a book about modern day bullying and I missed EVERY. SINGLE. SIGN even when hate walked through my own front door. 

Parents- We are allowing this hate to not only thrive but we are opening our own front doors and letting it walk right in. 

Believe me- we literally let hate walk right through our own front door when we allowed a child, who we thought we could trust enter our home. We opened the door to him ( and his phone) and  let him walk right in.  Our whole ugly, heart wrenching six months of experiencing hate first hand started when we opened the door to it. 

Parents we do this every day in so many ways. We excuse it, ignore it and justify it. It might not always come knocking on your front door, it could happen scrolling through social media, in overheard adult conversations or by simply turning on the television. We give hate a personal invitation into our families lives and sometimes we don't even realize it until the damage is already done. 

Bullying and hate will only stop when parents stop allowing it in. When we show them we won't allow hate to enter. 

When we were facing the enormity of our own situation I didn't want to read a book about it. I wanted explanations. I didn't want statistics I wanted answers. I certainly did not want to open up Facebook and see people sharing sad videos of traumatized children who had been bullied while at the same time doing nothing. I wanted someone to do something.

Parents: if you think hate only exists in the national spotlight you are naive. To see hate you need to look no further than your own seemingly safe community- the sidelines of a sporting event or in the hallways of your child's school. You don't need to read the newspaper or see it on social media it's in our own backyards.  It's in these every day places that the seeds of hate, privilege and exclusion are planted and cultivated by our own lack of attention to them.  Our kids don't know the difference between right and wrong until we tell them and show them in our everyday interactions.

Hate exits when we allow it to. 

Hate happens in the abscence of love and direction.

What did I need when I witnessed hate on a personal level? 

I needed someone to take ownership for it. 

I needed parents who actually took responsibility. 

I needed SOMEONE to respond. 

I got nothing. 

Now that I am on the other side of this experience and as I watch the daily news become more and more hate filled,  I am able to see clearly what went wrong in our situation and what is wrong now.  

We are placing the responsibility and blame on our kids when it should be on us. When our children are bullied it's oftentimes because the are labeled as different ( we prefer exceptional) but then we automatically turn around and label the "bully" and judge them. 

Bullying does not still exist because kids are born with a bullying gene, it exists because we allow it to. The people we watch on the nightly news were not born with the protester gene any more than they were born with a hate gene. Even worse,  in today's society there are those that are video taping every second of the hate but doing nothing to stop it. 

Before I was dealing with it firsthand,  I had always been under the assumption that most kids and adults will react if they see bullying or hate happening or that in the very least they will react if they see something they know is wrong.  

They do not. 

Which is why no one should be shocked at the events in our schools or in our world.

Bullying starts in our homes when we allow it and accept it. It then moves into the schools and then spreads out into the world. We are the ones raising these bullies and bystanders. 

When we look to blame someone we should look no further than to ourselves. 

It's not the systems fault when our kids are jerks, it is our own. 

At its heart bullying happens when kids are mean and most of the time they are mean because of us. Our homes are the places where character should be taught and lived out every single day, even on the days it is hard. Even when we do not want to. 

Hate doesn't discriminate based on your socioeconomic status. Our child was at a four star school, where the majority of students are middle to upper class. bullying posters hung on the walls, and curriculum was in place regarding bullying yet it still happened and far worse no one reacted to it happening.

Contrary to research kids do not want to step in and many times adults look the other way. Your child is not likely to tell you if they witness or are a victim of a hate filled interaction. 

Our child told us nothing until it became  too much to bear.  We are fortunate he finally said something. It is likely your child will not tell you. which is why when is comes to bullying campaigns we fail year after year.  You can't teach anti- bullying tactics to a whole school of kids who don't posses the strength in their character to stand up for their own self much less others. As parents we are responsible for building that strength of character. 

Instead of anti bullying campaigns in the schools we need to start teaching character in our own homes and to our own children. 

We need to raise kids who will not only be strong enough to stand up for themselves but for others.

So many people were bystanders in our case,  including the parents of the aggressor. This is frightening. 

It means we are not only raising aggressors, we are raising followers who watch it happen and do nothing.  It means sometimes it's the parents who watch and do nothing. 

We see a lot of footage of protests filled with hate but not a lot of people doing anything. They point fingers and make sure to record it while saying nothing. We are not only raising children who think it's ok to publically humiliate others. Far worse is that this same generation finds joy in sharing the humiliation over and over again. instead of stepping in to help. 

In our case

No one stepped in 

Not. 

One. 

Person. 

No adult or child. 

No one. 

It was happening in the classroom, in the hallway, in the lunchroom. It was physical, verbal, on social media and it started with one child and spread like the plague. 

When it was finally addressed 

They excused. 

They blamed us. 

They dismissed.

They allowed it to not only happen but to continue unchecked. 

They did-

The  parents of the aggressor. 

This lack of parenting is what is wrong. 

This trend of thinking our kids can do no wrong and shifting the blame to others is contributing to a downward spiral of our world and if we hit rock bottom we have no one to blame but ourselves. These adults on the news who feel wronged, who are looking to blame anyone but themselves learned that behavior from someone. 

We are watching a generation of kids who would rather video tape a suicide than to step in and stop it. 

Let that sink in. 

We are raising a generation of kids who hide behind screens in their bedrooms with closed doors. 

This is not a debate of time, money, career parents vs. stay at home parents. It's not about single parents or even the age of the parents- it's about actually BEING a parent. 

Having hard conversations. Disciplining. Being our childrens greatest advocate but not their friend. 

Setting an example. 

Checking phones, 

Checking friends. 

Checking where they are. 

ACTIVELY parenting our own children. 

Kids are not mean because it's their nature. They are mean because they are allowed to act that way. 

They are mean because of US. 

This is the next generation. 

If you think we are divided now, wait. It's only going to get worse. 

As technology increases 

Parenting seems to decrease. 

This is why I stopped writing a book about bullying. The realization that nothing will change unless the parents do. We are far past the point that a book will help. We are overworked and stretched thin. Instead of reading we need to  put everything down and reconnect with our children. 

We need to admit we ARE the problem. 

The parents. 

The adults. 

This is our issue. we are raising these kids. 

The ones who tear others down to lift themselves up.

The ones who step on and shove anyone whose in the way. 

The ones, who instead of being happy when their friends succeed, find ways to discredit them. 

We are the ones planning their friendships, jockeying them into the social positions we think they deserve and need. we are the ones raising children who are self centered and entitled. Whose worth comes from a sports team they are on, the grades they receive and the clothes they wear. Who are being taught to shove instead of reach, ignore instead of include and to prey on weaknesses instead of building up strengths. 

We must stop placing the blame on the schools and politicians and party lines and  look no further than to ourselves. 

Our schools and our law enforcement are responsible to REACT to bad behavior but we are responsible for how our kids ACT. We need to step up our game. 

 Our schools can do nothing to prevent bullying if our children are just mean spirited, inclusive brats and they are because we allow it, ignore it and contribute to it. If we continue to raise them with a survival of the fittest attitude. We will never conquer bullying much less our hate filled world. 

One of the hardest things we do as parents is to let our children fail but it is even worse to fill them full of excuses and participation trophies. Parenting is hard and it requires work. It's not always simple and there are days I don't think I will survive it.  I do know, from personal experience that nothing will bring you to your knees harder and faster than when you watch your child suffer at the hands of another child. I don't ever want any family to experience what we did- A burning ember of hate which turned into a fire because it was left unattended and no one had the courage to throw water on it and put it out. 

We must raise kids who learn how to win humbly but lose graciously. The world doesn't owe them a thing. Their teachers and coaches owe them nothing. As their parents we do owe them something. We owe it to them to be an example. A positive one. We owe it to our children to instill character traits that will cause them to choose kindness over hate. Whose buckets will be so full of goodness that they are ready to not only sprinkle drops when needed but dump their buckets out to extinguish a fire! 

We owe our children every minute of our time and every ounce of our loyalty even when it means they will have bruised egos and learn hard lessons. 

I want my children to be good people. I don't want them to be performances junkies or mean spirited. I don't want them to live in a world where their worth is based on social status/ it is not. 

I want them to know that their worth is not based on a team, a friend or academic success. More than anything else I want them to be kind in ALL circumstances. I don't want them to become hardened because of what they have had to endure from others or what is happening in their world. 

I'm sick of repairing the damage mean kids do. I'm sick of having to explain to my kids why these kids have no empathy or consciences but  I'm certainly not going to blame presidents, school administrators or teachers because that only contributes to the  problem and shows them when the world isn't going your way you blame and point fingers or hold up a sign instead of examining your own motives and heart. 

We need to stop blaming everyone else and 

start blaming ourselves. 

We are what has happened. 

We have accepted and ignored behaviors and attitudes that we shouldn't. We have let technology raise our kids and we are exlperiencing the repercussions. 

We should start this school year not only advocating for anti- bullying campaigns and placing new posters on the wall or even lending new voices to the cause but by teaching our own children how to be strong and kind. 

Instead of calling administrators , teachers, coaches and pastors and placing blamie on everyone else I think we need to start this school year by looking at ourselves and taking responsibility.

What we express as important whether it be grades, sports, extra curricular is what will be important to our kids.  We need to start showing our kids kindness is important. Inclusion is important. Acceptance is important. It's just as important when no one is watching as it is when they are in a group. We need to not only talk about these things we need to live them out in our homes. We need to teach our children to be humble, gracious and accepting of everyone and we need to show them in our own actions that we value these things. 

We have the opportunity to show them how to express kindness and character even in the difficult moments. They need to know that character is far more valuable than social status and their value is far greater than being on the top rung of a middle school or high school ladder,  How they choose to treat people reaches far beyond the classroom and into the world. A world our kids will soon be leading. One that will continue to be a cut throat, self-centered, push and shove, one sided world if we don't intervene. 

Inclusion and acceptance are both more powerful than bullying.  Parents, we need to show our children this truth. 

We have gotten lazy. We get caught up in how good we feel when our children are happy and accepted without even realizing who we trample on to get there. We are creating in our children everything but the character traits that will make them empathetic, sensitive, and contributing members of our society.  

Let's stop judging and trying to mend a whole society and start by mending our own children. 

Maybe just maybe if we step in and become active parents we can set an example that we don't allow these behaviors and our kids will follow our lead.

There is far too much hate in our world, in our school and in our own backyards. 

The only way it will stop is if we step in and take a stand against it. To lead by example and dicipline in the hard moments. To make family a priority and not an afterthought. 

We need to step in and step up and Start parenting our children. 

We are what is wrong in this world. 

Let's stop blaming everyone else. 

My Dad

If someone would have told me twenty years ago that the greatest life lessons I would learn from my father would be in his death, I would have called them crazy. If someone would have told me that in 48 years of my life no memory good or bad would override the impact of the last hours of my dad’s life I would not have believed them. 

Being at the bedside of someone you love who is dying can be devastating but it can also be amazing. I will never regret, forget or want to wipe away one moment of those last hours with my dad. I am forever changed.

My dad had a very large presence in life. He was a driven man. He worked hard. He was smart. He was in no way a quiet man. My loud voice, my stubbornness, my voice to causes I feel strongly about are all traits I inherited from my dad.  Colleagues respected my father. My siblings and I sometimes feared him. Few could say they really knew him. There was no mistaking when my dad was in a room.  My dad’s physical presence at 6’6” was intimidating. When his size fifteen shoes were walking quickly toward you there was no mistaking his power. Growing up I learned that I should never wait for those footsteps to get louder but to do my best to move quickly in the other direction as soon as I heard them. His large hand could grip, like he was holding a basketball, the head of even the largest adult when he wanted you to listen. His grip was firm but gentle, he had no problem placing his hand atop your head regardless of if you were a 2 year old not sitting still at church, a 22 year old who made a bad choice, or a 42 year old after brain surgery. There was no mistaking when my dad placed his hand on your head he meant business and expected your undivided attention. In the last hours of his life,  I marveled at my ability to place my hand on his whole head and speak love into him. He looked so small and frail. I said to him. “Dad, I have my whole hand on top of your head so I know you can hear me.” Moments like this I consider blessings now that he is gone. 

People liked to please my father, myself included.  I loved to feel my father’s admiration and I always knew when he was pleased with me. I also knew without a doubt when I had crossed the line and should run the other way.  Even later in my life as my dad’s health started failing and there was no way he could out run me, I still walked briskly in the other direction if a sass would ever escape my grown up lips, never wanting to disappoint him. (or for him to catch me).

My dad was successful, smart and provided every material need. I had more than most children could every dream of having. If I would have asked, even in the days before his death, my dad would have given me his last dime. He provided my siblings and me with the best education from private schools and colleges four year programs through masters degrees and Phd’s, he never wavered in his financial commitment to us.  More importantly, however, was his commitment to grow us as his children. Life lessons. Sometimes they hurt. Sometimes they caused cracks and breaks in our relationship, but never did he neglect the lesson. Every bad choice we made he corrected. Every late night call he came (or sent my mom when he was too angry)The calls, many of them from his mischievous and naughty teenagers in the local jail, all answered. He protected our lives, our honor and our dignity on so many occasions it would take me hours if not days to explain. 

While these memories and occasions I remember and I am certainly humbled by them, it was only in my dad’s final hours that I truly understood the depths of my dad’s love for me. As I sat by his bedside I was remembering his devotion to me in those difficult moments, more  than recalling his financial commitment to me in the every day normal moments of life.  I was not focusing on the material things my father provided for me but about how he loved me.  Everything I have today is in some small or large way due to his love for me. One of the last things my dad said to me before his ability to speak was gone was, “ I love you Mary, you are my daughter. You will always be my daughter.” 

In his last hours of life he was unable to speak. He was unable to sit. He needed comfort. He needed to know he was loved, that he will be missed and that his life had meaning. He did not need to know the status of his bank accounts or if his car was running properly. He needed love. There is a lot to be learned in a moment like that.

 The importance of life is not in the material things you have amassed but that you spoke love into those around you, that your family and friends knew how you felt.  In your last hours a simple touch and a squeeze of the hand is enough. It is what you will want.

My dad’s last hours of life were filled with the simplistic wonder of a child exploring a new room.There were times when his eyes would get wide and his expression would be one of anticipation like a baby bird waiting for food from its mother. Then at other times, the look on my dad’s face was more like the face of a child on Christmas morning.There was something so absolutely beautiful about this time.  Christ’s presence was so undeniable in my dad’s room. He was there speaking directly into my dads heart. He was in the words I read from Psalm 23. He was in my voice as I sang to my dad over and over again the words to Precious Lord Take My Hand. Words that up until that moment, I had no idea I had memorized. God was in my oldest brothers strong and reassuring voice that it was OK to go, that his family was fine. God was in my younger brothers tears as he held his hand to say good-bye. God was the hands of the hospice nurses who gently messaged my dads arms and legs with such kindness it took my breath away. God was in the heart of the nurse who lovingly and repeatedly swabbed out my dad’s mouth, who took her job of keeping him comfortable like it was her only responsibility that day. 

If you have never been at the bedside of a loved one who is dying you might not understand when I say that death can be beautiful. It is sad and beautiful at the same time. I hope that you will never make a decision to delay or forgo a visit with a dying loved one based on your own fear. We have nothing to fear in death. I believe the Holy Spirit carried me through those last hours. I watched as my dad would lift his hand up toward the ceiling and his lips would form a perfect circle. I would ask him,  Is it beautiful dad? Are you amazed? His eyes shone. The look on my dad’s face in those moments filled me with such hope. A hope of what is to come.

On several occasions my dad folded back the sheets from his legs and started moving his feet back and forth. I would say,  “Dad if you see Jesus just start running. Go to him dad, it’s OK, I want you to go to him.” 

As the day went on I realized that whenever my dad was restless my first instinct was to grab his hand but after a while I felt like when I reached for his hand I stopped him. I started to resist the urge to grab his hand, not wanting the joy to stop for him. Excited that his journey to heaven before his eyes and sad that my part was coming to a close. This was ultimately why I chose to leave. I felt like my dad was waiting for me to leave the room. The nurse said that sometimes this happens. One last chivalrous act from a father to his daughter. One last act of protection. She was right.

He died shortly after I waked out the door. 

I’ve thanked God every day since I walked out for that time with my dad.

It has changed me forever. 

It has caused me to start living with heaven in mind, all day, every day.

My entire outlook on life, as well as the way I treat people has completely changed. Why? In the end nothing matters except your relationship with Jesus Christ and the relationships you had with others. It’s really that simple. 

I will no longer leave words unsaid knowing there will be a time I will want to say them and will be unable.  At the same time I will also be more aware that words can sometimes be hollow and my actions say more than words ever could. 

I am choosing to live with an eternal perspective.  Eternity is what I should strive for. It should be on my mind all day- every day. I should not focus on the outcome of an election, if I was right or wrong, if my side won or lost. 

It simply does not matter. 

All go to the same place; all come from dust and to dust all return 

Ecclesiastes 3:20 (NIV)

Life on earth is a short time compared to the eternity you have in heaven. Making this life count while always having heaven in your view should be your goal. 

It will be my goal.

I want to give not only when I am able, but also when it’s difficult.

I want to serve others.

I want to love in all circumstances and to those who deserve it least. 

I want to be present here on earth but live with eternity always on my mind.

I want to prepare more for things which last forever.

I want to care more about my final destination and not focus as much on the pit stops along my way.

My prayer for you all is that you will come to know God so deeply and love others so greatly that you will hardly be able to await your name being  called.

My dad was a great man.

In the experience of watching him die, I feel like I have learned how to live my life again. 

Thank you God for U Turns

Today while I was out running errands, I saw an elderly woman speaking with the cashier while I was shopping. She was lost and had stopped at the store for directions.

She was looking for a nursing home where her friend was and only had small pieces of information: Cleveland Road, Heratige Square,on a corner  but she had no name, no number and no address for the business    In the process of explaining this to the blank stare of the cashier, I watched as tears started to form in her eyes. She was on the verge of giving up. She was going to announce defeat.

Oh boy- haven't we all been there before? 

I approached her and acknowledged I had been listening to her problem. I offered to have her follow me to the unknown place that I was pretty sure I knew the location of. I told her that although I'm not certain of where she needs to be I will drive there while she follows me and in her car. In her complete desperation she agreed. She trusted in me, someone she had never met, to guide her to a place she needed to be. She was willing to follow me, having faith I would get her to her destination. She was desperate, alone and needed someone to guide her. 

As I traveled down State Road 23 at a slow crawl, making sure her minivan was always in my site, I learned some of my own lessons on being lost and following directions. About trusting and faith. About showing faith and not just quoting verses.  Words only work sometimes when giving directions. People sometimes need someone to lead them as they follow behind-closely watching the person in front of them. 

It was during this very slow crawl down State Road 23 with this thought that I had a moment of shame and then conviction and then sadness.

I have not been a very good guide when it comes to matters of my faith. 

I have been given very good written directions (my Bible) but lately, I've been driving my car recklessly while others have been following behind. 

I have been doing a lot of quoting from the Bible and discussing the Bible and sharing music that has a biblical message. I love nothing more than discussing and talking about my faith. But, a lot of times, more times than I would like to admit, I forgot that it's important to SHOW people my faith IN MY ACTIONS. 

Directions are not only about getting us from point A to point B but good directions are providing a trustworthy , safe and reliable route. I have not been doing this. 

The road I often show on social media is one filled with frustrating bumps, and annoyances. Complaining. Grumbling. Fear. Dismay. While outwardly, I continue on my road my inward path is cluttered with junk.

As a Christian that is neither a safe nor a reliable route to take- it's called being "double-minded" By being a careless driver of my faith I have the potential to steer others off course and to ultimately become lost myself. 

I hear the Word of God.

I believe the Word of God. 

I say Amen

I even quote the Word of God. 

But later, I begin to survey my problems. 

I begin to speculate how to deal with them. 

I become bitter and I have forgotten Truth. It happens quickly and a lot. 

James 1:8- he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. 

Matthew Henry's commentary on James 1:8 says:

 "A mind that has single and prevailing regard to its spiritual and eternal interest, and that keeps steady in its purposes for God, will grow wise by afflictions, will continue fervent in devotion, and rise above trials and oppositions. When our faith and spirits rise and fall with second causes, there will be unsteadiness in our words and actions. This may not always expose men to contempt in the world, but such ways cannot please God. No condition of life is such as to hinder rejoicing in God."

When we are lost we are uncomfortable.  We let panic set in and we react. That reaction might  be a tear in the corner of an eye but it could also be a harsh word,  a hidden message, a slight jab here or there, or an exclusion. 

When we are lost we need the courage AND THE FAITH to seek someone who can show us the way with reliable directions. While we travel on our difficult roads we also need to be able to look in the rear view mirror at our own reflection and make sure  that we are on the correct road and people following US won't become lost and to be certain who you are following is leading you in the best direction. If you are not on the correct road, you need to stop. Do a u turn and remember who you should be following first. JESUS. Whose direction you should be seeking. 

He has the only reliable map (the Bible) 

By following His direction first and always your destination will be the most glorious place. Heaven. 

So  friends , today as an elderly stranger followed behind me, I learned that what I need to do is a U-turn I need to back up. I need to throw myself in reverse. I need to get off the road of opposition and greif and the need for worldly approval and get back on a road where I can faithfully follow Jesus. 

So much is happening in my life right now both good and bad. I'm seeing in my words on Facebook and my conversations with others that I'm not SHOWING my faith in action. 

My road has become littered with arguing, complaining and strife. So as I make this change of direction I want you all to know, I still want to connect with you just not on social media. It's not a good place for me because my brain races ahead before my heart can stop it. I have lost my direction I need to stop so I can get back on the road that Jesus is leading me on. I'm not ditching facebook but I'm just not going to like and comment while on- I still do like everything about you all.  I hope you all know that. I am just better off telling you in person so you know and can see my intentions. 

But right now I need to focus less on other people's driving and more on my own. 

God sure knew what he was doing today. When he sent the elderly stranger with a simple predicament and used her so profoundly to change a complicated, messy road such as mine. 

Time to reverse and have Jesus show me the road I was meant to travel on. 

I am so happy God allows U-Turns! 

A NEW BEGINNING

The end of summer vacation for me always signals new beginnings -a time to start fresh. Not only do I get fresh haircuts and buy new school supplies for my kids, I am provided new and endless opportunities: to volunteer, to start a new job, to begin a new exercise routine and to set new goals. 

For me, it seems that the weeks leading up to a new school year are when I am  best at decision making, delegation and scheduling. It is a time when I am extremely productive and brutally honest when choosing what makes it on my calendar and into my daily schedule. I find if I don't keep these things in check at this time the rest of the school year will not flow smoothly and new beginnings make way to winter chaos.

My personality is one in which decision making is usually "go BIG or go home" halfway doesn't work and full commitment is necessary. 

It seems that when I am knee-deep in the chaos of new beginnings I make the most drastic changes.

This year was no different.

All summer I have been on a drug to treat my Cushing's disease. It was a last (very last) ditch effort for treatment and my only hope medically to avoid adrenal surgery. 

 And...one that I was not comfortable taking, but took anyway -

off label 

black labeled 

three pills a day 

all summer long. 

It DID seem to be working. I shed a few pounds, was sleeping great and the effects of the disease were diminishing a little each day.

BUT

I learned that the quality of my life is important too. I learned that labels lie. And that the "may cause stomach discomfort" on this medicine should have actually read: "you will not leave the restroom of your home. All social activities will cease and you will consume massive amounts of TUMS just to just get yourself from the fetal position on the couch out the door to civilization.This will be for the entire duration you take this medicine."

With this summer medicine memory still fresh in my mind and because I am best at new beginnings in the midst of chaos, this year at back to school time I made a BIG decision. 

I have decided that I will no longer treat my Cushing's disease. Not with this medicine. Not with surgery. I'm going to stop any/all medical interventions at this time.  I will not even consider another medical intervention until next summer and possibly not even then. I'm done. Exhausted. Finished. 

Since 2007 I've had I have been to two major medical centers, have seen countless doctors from all over the world. I've had two brain surgeries, two tumors removed, the right side of my pituitary gone, I have taken drugs that were experimental, spent thousands of dollars and countless time and energy trying to beat this disease and now it is time to stop. 

Not to give up hope -but to stop seeking medical interventions.

It is time that I rest. Rest my body. Rest my mind. And most importantly rest in God's care. 

I will rest in the fact that God will protect me and keep me safe. God will provide wisdom to understand the struggle. I must STOP and REST long enough to not only ask the questions but to listen and to wait for His responses. 

Chronic health problems cause stress, fear, discouragement, loneliness and depression. The simplest decisions are overwhelming and they consume you. I'm choosing to let go of all of that as Jesus calls me back from that fear to my faith. It is because of God's complete protection I feel secure in making this decision. God does not see my struggles like I do. God does not see Cushing's disease like I do.

I see stress. He sees opportunity. I see crisis. He sees potential for growth. So as I began this new school year I'm choosing to turn from myself to the strength of God and God, by his grace will keep me from fear, sadness and hopelessness. 

If there is one thing struggles can reveal it is the strength of faith. Every struggle that has come into my life has been a test of my faith. I've held into this verse from 

James 1:3  "for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." But now I need to read further because 

Verse 5 continues on to say:

" if any of you lacks wisdom let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."

When I am fearful and when I am hopeless I am doubting.

So in my new beginning I will stop.

 I will seek wisdom.

 I will rest in His promises.

I will not focus on my weaknesses but will be driven to prayer and to leaning on God's strength. 

New beginnings are not always easy. In fact, most of the time they are hard. Showing my strength and faithfulness to God, no matter what I face, is what I'm called to do.  It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. I know I must take this time to see the resolution available to me by investing my time, clearing my schedule and spending my days in faithful and persistent prayer to God. Relying solely on his grace and promises.

Not invasive surgeries. 

Not black label drugs. 

Not worry.

I have to stop fighting it and fearing it and know that God will use it for good. He is in control. 

So Instead of continually pleading for my suffering to end I will learn this year to accept it and pray about it and seek direction in the midst of it.  To see the good in it and enjoy my life in spite if it. 

To stand no matter how hard it becomes. 

To know  it will be worth it.

I am cared for and protected, and, because of this complete protection from God,  in this new beginning I feel secure. 

I feel comfort. 

I feel peace.

 I can rejoice. 

It won't be easy. 

He doesn't promise ease. 

But I will be protected and I will be at peace knowing it was in Him I placed my trust. 

Please pray for me as I begin. 

Here's to a wonderful, restful year!!

Pause

This summer has been so busy for me. It seems like I can hardly catch my breath at times. I drop off, I pick up, make calls, leave messages, reply to messages, schedule, maintain, and try my best to keep up with this crazy summer "break"

But then-a PAUSE comes.

It can can be just for a moment in a whispered prayer or a exhale or it can be lengthy-causing me to reroute my path and/or reframe my thoughts before continuing forward. 

It is during these pauses that I learn patience, am given strength- and am  finally still enough to hear God's voice.

When I pause, I learn to once again fully rely on God. It is in life's pauses that I have intimacy with God. Where I am still enough to hear his voice and His direction.

There is nothing else in my life that causes the greatest pause than my Cushing's disease. It's the one thing that can not only cause me to pause but it can actually stop my life like a crazy train screeching to a halt. I can avoid it and  ignore it, but sooner or later I will have no other choice- I will be forced into a pause.

Tuesday was the pause. The day had come that I was to stop ignoring this disease.  I left for Chicago in the morning filled with hope that this disease had simply disappeared from my body and I returned home clinging to the answers I was given, but feeling very hopeless and defeated. 

On the drive home I kept thinking about this verse. 

Psalm 34:18(ESV)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit 

Verse 19 goes on to say, "many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."

My spirit was crushed. 

I HAVE again avoided adrenal surgery. That is great news-Praise God! BUT -the topic of repeat pituitary surgery came up (which would be extremely risky). After laughing at my doctor and reminding him that surgery through my nose  will never happen again- EVER- He gave me another prescription to try. Another drug to be used off label (not it's intended purpose) and in high doses. One month. That's it. They will know. After that month, if there are no changes I will pause again. 

During this particular pause I cannot afford to ask "why me?" I cannot afford to be frustrated and I certainly will not challenge God by asking him why. While I do not understand all the reasons why I'm still battling this disease and it's uncertainty, I do understand -clearly (but need to remind myself often) that being a follower of Christ and being surrendered to Him does not guarantee my good health. I also understand that the prayers I have prayed for the restoration of my health are being answered in His way and in His timing and that just because I am not cured right now doesn't mean it's hopeless.  Prayer is what sustains me in my struggle. God has always given me what I needed to get through every moment. He will continue doing just that. 

He is the Overcomer 

John 16:33 says , "I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace ; in the world you will have tribulation, but take heart I have overcome the world."

I know that I can rest in His grace and trust in His love. I can always depend on God to cover my heart with His peace knowing that my peace should not depend on test results or scans or even how healthy I am, but  my peace comes because He covers me with his love. 

John 14:27 

Peace I leave with you , my peace I give to you ; not as the world gives do I give you. let not your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid. 

Since I was diagnosed in 2008 God has done incredible things in my life. He has helped me to see the blessings as well as the lessons this hardship contains. It has brought both my strengths and my weaknesses to the surface.

So my prayer today, as I begin yet another experimental drug, is that He helps me see the purpose behind His plan for me and that I draw closer to Him. Knowing in my weakness He is strong. 

I pray that he covers me during this pause 

and every pause after. 

Isaiah 41:10 

fear not for I am your God.  I will strengthen you.I will help you and I will hold you with my righteous right hand.

Romans 8:28 

and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose.

E learning

Friday we were introduced to the world of e-learning. Of course as everyone started their e-learning, they also started posting their thoughts on social media. As the day progressed, I noticed there were some pretty distinct groups that emerged:

The "I don't want to go to school in July" group. This group holds those visions of  carefree summer days in a  tight grip and publically expresses how grateful they are for those dear people that sit in the administration building, saving them and their children from going one day past the already specified date on the calendar.  I do not fit in this group. I would much rather have my children go to school  in the warmth and sunshine (even If that means the first week of June) than to be trapped with them in -30 weather in a house that shrinks with each passing day all the while trying to supervise THEIR LEARNING.

This group will be in for a rude awakening if/when our  district decides to adopt a balanced calendar-( reducing the long summer break with more frequent breaks balancing the frequency of  in session days with days on break) because if/when the district decides to do that, they will remember all those who grasped those blizzard folders so tightly as to not lose one precious moment of summer. We will then be getting rainy day folders, wind gust folders, bright sunshine folders and wet streets folders because the administration knows how much you hold tightly to scheduled breaks. 

The next category is the "I don't really mind e-learning because my life is perfect, my kids are perfect and well-everything is perfect" 

I actually DO know people who are genuinely this way- who never , ever offer their opinion on Facebook OR in real life. Who don't question policies and generally go with the flow. This group did not post pictures with the intention of saying I'm perfect, but they did so to document the moment with their kids.  This is the category of parents that will be cherry picked to evaluate the program. This is also the group whose pictures you see on our district's website. 

Somewhat similar, but yet very different, the 3rd group emerged.  It was the most complex. It was the "I hate e learning so much I could spit but I'm going to continue pretending life is perfect" group.  

The " I will judge everyone else who posts about their struggles." Is a sub-group.

While posting how this has been a beautiful, family growing experience they simultaneously sent private messages to their friends and told them how much they hate school, hate homework, hate their dog, their life,

their shoes, etc.

We all know that this group does not live lives of roses and sunshine but we  are entertained by their determination to make us think they do. This group is the  I hate homework in real life and the I'm so thankful for my child's teachers and this gift and opportunity to work with my children at home Facebook life. It's called social media double-life syndrome- 

Which brings me to the last group I encountered and the one to which I am a proud member of. It is the "This is real life" group. The transparent , the raw, the real. 

These are the people that you can count on to post about everyday struggles- even the ones people normally tiptoe around. These are the people who posted pictures of the dog sitting on the e learning, a nerf dart stuck to the work, or in some instances- a sleeping mom. This group didn't post  because they like to complain all of the time. They posted real life, as they do every other day- they shared openly and honestly about  the struggles they faced.

Life is hard, e learning included. Sometimes our online community is where we find support.  Being authentic does not mean you are not grateful. It does not mean you like to complain. It means you are honest. I am glad to be able to share my frustrations without sugar coating my realities or picking out the perfect parts. 

And so-

 WITH ALL OF THAT SAID 

Here is the way I see e learning ( my very own personal opinion for which I do not need to be burned at the stake for.)

Regardless of which category you fall into there are some simple truths behind e-learning -decisions and actions that don't involve social media or even the parents. These actions are not necessarily looking out for our kids best interest but the interest of test scores and money.

When we choose to enroll our children in public education we are expecting certain things -safety, quality of education  and equal opportunities for all.  We do not expect or require our schools to have perfect i step scores, blue ribbons or even to mold our children into great test takers. 

So it is perplexing to me why we are allowing quality and equal opportunity to be forgotten for the sake of a calendar. 

When you move guided learning and certified teachers out the doors of your district's buildings and replace them with parents you will lose equality and you will sacrifice quality instruction. 

Our district is making a clear choice to do this -not in a way in which we support our child's learning but in a way that makes us their school teacher for the day.  We do not get paid. We do not get reimbursed for time off of our regular jobs. We get more work and unhappy kids. And a lot of people are doing it without questioning it. I can't figure out why. 

There is truly nothing equal about e-learning. Not.one.thing. We all live very different lives. Our homes and situations are different.  There are so many different learning environments across our district : we have parents working outside the home, some working  from the  home, computer access and no computer access , hunger ,stress ,disabilities, single parents, Phd's, GED's, only children- multiple kids. We have students that are watching Tom and Jerry alone on the couch while trying to complete their math before mom and dad get home from work and we have the children whose parents wake them with a cute little song , a special breakfast, and one or both hold degrees in education. They sit with them -cheering them on all day. 

This is not equal education. 

When you combine this with the real reasons our district has bamboozled us into adopting e learning (not the one where you think the administration is distraught over the fact that your child won't be able to frolic in the grass soon enough),  but the real reasons: 

TEST SCORES and 

MONEY

One can't help but to wonder how did this happen? 

The following are quotes from leaders of schools in Indiana:

*East Allen community school superintendent Ken Folks . "When we add days at the end of the year, that's past the time our students have taken their assessments by which we are measured." He also stated that "to be able to capture instructional time prior to those assessments is key to us"- 

"The main thing that we noticed last year is that those days we had to miss due to the weather were really important to us," said Bobby Thompson, principal at Triton Middle School, the first school in the district to try the program. "Those were the crucial time to prepare students for standardized assessments.".  

Last year Dr. Thacker had a message for skeptics of e learning.  In a  interview with WSBT he said, "Our vision of excellence. This is truly an opportunity for innovation we're going to take advantage of this opportunity and do something that will put our students on the leading edge of technology for learning. "

Last time I checked, opening a PDF file and printing off a document was neither innovative or on the leading edge. 

As a parent- whether we love it or hate it, we should be raising some serious questions when it comes to e-learning starting with the question about how to avoid it all together by asking Why. Why, when we live  in Northern Indiana, do we only have one calamity day built in our district's calendar? Districts five miles away have five. How can a district in Portland, Oregon have more calamity days built in than we do? 

Has our district looked at studies that have proven it is more or less stressful to take learning home? What research have they done other than test scores and money saving charts that says this is the BEST option for the STUDENTS-not what benefits the district. 

As a teacher I would be asking what will happen long-term if this e-learning should happen more frequently? In Muskegon , Michigan teachers found out what happens- they will not get paid for snow days. 

As a former teacher, I knew my degree mattered. It confirmed I had trained and studied. It was important. 

Now, our district is sending the message to its teachers that anyone  can do it -you just need a printer and some snow. I would be concerned as a paid professional, a valuable asset in the children's lives I teach that I would be able to retain my credibility. When the district is encouraging at home learning they are replacing teachers with degrees. Doing this even for a short time sends a bad message about how much our district values teacher /student interaction.  It sends the message that these teachers are easily replaced. 

 It's just snow days now but Dr. Thacker told WSBT in an interview that"  a recent report estimates 50% of high school classes will be offered online by 2019". That is definitely not a statement that would give me job security. 

As for our district's students and the reason why we are having this discussion- my concern would be for the slow and steady loss of quality instructional time and lack of consistency that being at home and e learning would show. This concern is not to be grouped with those who choose to teach their children at home full time. 

Families that choose to homeschool have chosen to do it because it is the best fit for their family.  It works because it is productive and consistent- short bursts of at home e learning can not and should not be compared to the proven benefits of homeschooling. 

Everyone is entitled to have an opinion about e learning.  This us just mine but If you feel inclined, research it, talk about it, complain about it- cry, kick and scream- but know- e learning exists because no one has chosen to speak honestly and openly about it and the people who decided it was the best option- never really gave us any other options.  

Hope

Yesterday I prayed over this bottle of pills just like I had done 30 days ago before I took the first dose. This bottle contains the drug Keteconozole. 

Using it to treat Cushing's disease is considered off-label, unconventional, experimental, and for me, it signals a new hope for relief from a disease I've been battling for eight years.

This bottle also serves as a reminder of WHO is my hope.

After 30 days with no change in symptoms but plenty of side effects, after days on the couch and nights with little sleep, I had allowed my mind to wander briefly to that place where defeat exists, where losing becomes a possibility and winning doesn't happen-the place where I am almost out of options-almost out of interventions, a place that I depend upon doctors and treatment plans and weird pills-a place that allowed me to look at 

ONE bottle of pills 

ONE doctor 

ONE more try 

ONE more dose 

A place where I forgot to look to 

THE ONE -

THE ONE WHO HEALS.

THE ONE WHO NEVER LEAVES.

THE ONE WHO ALREADY KNOWS.

THE ONE WHO IS NEVER OUT OF OPTIONS.

During the eight years I have battled this disease I have been swinging like a giant pendulum between 

sickness and health 

remission and failure 

weak and strong 

despair and hope.

This new year- I am choosing to focus on HOPE. 

Hope is a word that I will cling to as I start 2015-not in a blow out a candle or toss a penny in the fountain kind of way hope but biblical hope.

I don't just WISH to be healthy. I have never in eight years just crossed my fingers and waited-wishing to be healthy. The hope I cling to is the hope that I find in my Bible. 

 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (ESV)

The hope in the Bible is seeing the good or expecting good even when it seems I am without options.

It is confident.

It is assured.

It is certain.

HOPE is a wonderful thing even if I hold just a tiny sliver of it or a promise of it. Knowing God will act and trusting that he will is hope. 

The very heart of the gospel message is HOPE. 

In him we have obtained an inheritance having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of His will.

Ephesians 1:11 (ESV)

God is the only one who can offer me hope in the middle of this pain. It's not just God's intention but it's His heart's desire. 

Since the first symptom and ultimate surgery to every follow up, additional surgery, test, and MRI, I know none of this pain is wasted -NONE. 

I know God is glorified through the healthy and the sick and he is faithful. The Bible assures me 

My times are in Your hands.

Psalm 31:15

God is in complete control.

When my life is spinning ,He holds me tighter 

When I am facedown, He lifts me up.

My times are not in the control of my disease. My times are in His control and because of that, I can continue to hope and to be assured that no matter what happens ,it will be used for good. 

GOOD doesn't necessarily mean freedom from this illness. 

Maybe GOOD is bringing hope or strength to someone else facing hardship 

 Maybe GOOD is how this disease has made me completely transparent about my struggles, possibly opening the door for others to feel confident enough to share their struggles or maybe the GOOD is simply the journey. 

Learning to trust His promises , learning to praise Him in every circumstance and teaching myself to search the scriptures for assurance instead of googling possible results. 

Making time to be with Him by searching has already allowed me to know:

Because of hope I am secure.

And you would be secure because there is hope Job 11:18 (ESV)

Because of hope I am confident.

Lead me in your truth and teach me for you are the God of my salvation on you I will wait all the day. Psalm 25:5 (ESV)

Because of hope I will wait.

Wait on the Lord ;be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. wait, I say, on the Lord!  Psalm 27:14

Because of hope my strength is renewed.

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount up with wings like eagles they shall run and not be weary they shall walk and not faint Isaiah 40:31

I will wait.

I will strengthen my faith. 

I will hope. 

May 2015 bring you the assurance of HOPE no matter what you are facing. 

🎶"I find my strength. I find my hope. I find my help, IN CHRIST ALONE. "🎶

This song is a great reminder who to cling to during difficult times! 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wNRFumI2ch0&sns=em