I Just Don’t Know.

 

Friends: this comes from a loving place in my heart- it truly does but I don’t know what I need. I just don’t know. I’m sorry if I’m not responding to you. I just don’t know how right now. 

I’m trying to survive at this point. I’m in physical and spiritual pain. Deep. Inescapable. Something I’ve never experienced before. I just don’t know. 

Our friends Roger and Stephanie Lesinko showed up this weekend and brought a huge amount of Papa Vinos and Bone Broth. I did not know I needed it. They just came with it. It has fed my family every night since. My friend Kristi Cysewski took me on a short outing trying for fresh air and a bit of “normal” (well, she tried it was not easy) and brought a meal neither of which I knew we needed. She just came. My friend Beth Hardy showed up with soup I needed at that exact moment I didn’t know I needed it. My friend Amy Anderson sends me Bible verses. No questions just verses. They always help. My friend Brenda Swank sent a specific prayer that when reading brought comfort. My friend Dora Madsen dropped off detox tea and celery which she lovingly de-strung, knowing as a nurse, these are natural ways to ease medicine induced bowel issues, my friend Angie took 2 hours of her day to walk me through part of my traumatic experience on Ketamine, but friends I lovingly and I hope without sounding ungrateful simply do not know what I actually need until they are before me. I am sorry I’m not responding to you. I don’t know how right now. I love you all for checking in. For asking. I love every prayer. I just don’t know how to respond right now. 

I’m sick. It’s not letting up. I’m sick physically. I’m sick emotionally and I’m sick spiritually. It’s awful. 

The last intervention was yesterday when Dr. Das moved heaven and earth to add me to the schedule at Elkhart General ( one shining light in my otherwise dark world right now - what an amazing hospital and doctor.) He did an outpatient epidural steroid injection. I don’t know if it’s working yet. I’m in bed. Praying for a positive outcome. He tried. 

I’m sorry if I sound I sound ungrateful but friends I just do not know what I need beyond fervent prayer. I can’t think past just trying to staying out of pain and keeping myself emotionally stable. The tears are many and frequent. I just don’t know what’s happening with my body but it’s not good. 

I’m sorry I’m not responding. Music is my love language it has been a great source of encouragement for me. It’s helped me through the dark, helpless nights.  There has been a lot of dark. Sometimes the only thing I can do is put on earphones to try to drown out the pain. Whether with music or books. I don’t know what to do beyond that. 

I love you all 

Keep praying for me please.

Mary