"To have God speak to the heart is a majestic experience, an experience that people may miss if they monopolized the conversation and never pause to hear God's response." ----Charles Stanely
I know with 100% certainty that God is always with me-he is never silent, even when I fall short and make mistakes, He still loves me and hears my prayers. I also know that it is when I am forced to be still that I am able to hear Him very clearly. I am so grateful that He allows me grace and forgives me even when I have let Him fall into the corners of my life instead of being the center of it, even when I have chosen not to listen, He still speaks. For me, it seems that sometimes it takes an event, a person or even a circumstance to open my eyes and focus again and to open my heart so I can hear him- to LISTEN once again.
I have just emerged from some pretty dark days. Days I did not want to face- difficult both physically and emotionally and days that not only affected me but my entire family as well. I have experienced God's grace and healing so profoundly that I feel that THIS story is the most important part of my story so far. A story worth sharing.
I have talked so much over the last few months about numbers and medical terminology about remissions, failures, procedures and surgeries but what I have not talked about was that there was a time during this whole process when I had to stop listening to all of the medical advice and to what everyone thought I should be doing or how I should be responding and turn everything over to God-knowing that God could do for me what no doctor could and also to realize that even though my medical outcome is not yet what I expected or wanted, the outcome that matters is just how I want it to be. I am closer to God and I have the knowledge that God is always with me if I just open my heart.
I have seen so many times over these last three months how God shows himself in my life.
So today, instead of talking about my numbers and using big words that no one really understands the meanings of, or medical outcomes that do not directly effect you, I want to tell you a better story and one that you to can understand and also be a direct part of. One of grace, humility, faith and my belief that NOTHING happens by chance. NOTHING is accidental or incidental. EVERYTHING is planned by God and God has the perfect plan. The perfect story for you. I am just one person, one story.
When you are dealing with a difficult situation in your life, which for me has been medical, the experiences from that situation stay with you and become part of your story. It is during those difficult times in your life that God brings you closer to Him- that He opens your heart so you can hear Him. I believe that God opened my heart so He could lead me in the right direction- to Him. God led me and reached out to me in so many different ways over the last three months and not a single one of them was accidental or incidental. Some of them shouted out to me while others were just whispers or gentle nudges. I do believe every single one of them happened for a reason.
God placed so many people into my life, people who I already have relationships with, who showed me how we should treat each other and what it means to serve others.. I believe God sends help in hearts that give without thinking that help without asking. During the last three months, I have experienced those people who God placed directly in my path who, big or small, gave to me with no expectations. Coffees, cards, flowers, phone calls, food, caring for my children, my house cleaned, my carpets cleaned, encouraging messages, thoughtful notes. I know every single good deed and intention. Every single good word was a direct result of God's love for me.
God also puts people in our lives whom we have never met. Who do not know our hearts or our sufferings but still choose to go out of their way to be a part of your story. What these people do is unconditional and selfless and again, a direct result of God's love for me. God placed Kat, my sweet nurse who cared for me during my worst times after surgery. Kat came when I buzzed (A lot!), listened while I complained, wiped away tears, assured me with words. Always with a smile, always with a kind heart. I know God was guiding Kat. He hand picked her just for me. There were many nurses throughout my stay, none with Kat's heart, no other with her compassion. Kat was the only nurse who worked two full shifts during my stay, the nurse who was with me the most, the answer to my prayer to ease my anxiety.
Of course, God was nearby while a great team of doctors worked on me both pre op and post op but God also knew that even in the best medical hands, that I would be scared and in pain that first night so he sent Dr. Baboo a neurosurgeon who visited me on a number of occasions, far too many to be considered typical- who listened, who reassured me through a very difficult night and one who reminded ME that she had been with me during this same time in 2008. God's plan- I am sure.
God also sent a Chaplin to my room at the exact moment when I needed her the most- while Kevin, the boys and our friend Jim were visiting. when the helicopter was landing outside and the kids were yelling, when Kevin was dealing with the emotions of knowing his dad was in his final days, when they were drawing blood and changing IV's, when the whole room was tense and I wanted everyone to leave and I told them so- but she stayed and we prayed together. Not only did she provide the calm I needed at the exact moment I needed it, she also prayed that God would reassure me he was by my side.
God did just that one day later when He sent three teenage boys into the lobby of the hospital and who, as they approached my wheelchair, were facing some tense looks from others around us. When they looked at me and asked if they could pray for me, I, of course knew, that these teenage boys were a direct answer to prayers of reassurance. As the 3 strangers placed their hands on my shoulders and prayed over me, as my 11 year old watched and got to experience God's love flowing through me, I had an absolute peace and knowledge that God loves me. 3 complete strangers, 3 teenage boys at 6 PM on a Saturday night in the lobby of a hospital it was not accidental or incidental but planned.
God also sends help and shows us his presence by placing us exactly where we are meant to be. I felt this for the first time in 2007 when I was standing in front of the statue of the Infant Jesus of Prague in a Monastery in the middle of Sao Paolo, Brazil. When I prayed for healing and was put into a surgical remission one month later. Now, the Infant Jesus of Prague intervened for me once again as a prayed a novena to him again asking for relief, asking for my doctors to listen and for my life to once again be one I can feel good about living. This is why I know, that even though the doctors are saying I m not cured, that I might not even go into remission, I know I still have hope for it to happen because I have God on my side and because I know there is a whole lot more to my story.
So- I am so glad you could all be a part of this time in my life. Today I must keep going forward, to enjoy my perfectly imperfect life, thankful for all of my blessings and my renewed faith. Through all of this I have learned healing is a gift, it is not a right. Healing can only happen when you open your heart. I am certain that God interceded with mercy and grace. I am also certain that God has a perfect plan for my life, something I have not yet figured out but one I trust is perfect.
If you open your heart, you too will be able to see God in your life. You will be able to recognize and appreciate the people who you cross paths with. You will be able to see that although your life may not seem perfect now, you are a part of a perfect plan- God's plan.
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