Posts
This summer has been so busy for me. It seems like I can hardly catch my breath at times. I drop off, I pick up, make calls, leave messages, reply to messages, schedule, maintain, and try my best to keep up with this crazy summer "break"
But then-a PAUSE comes.
It can can be just for a moment in a whispered prayer or a exhale or it can be lengthy-causing me to reroute my path and/or reframe my thoughts before continuing forward.
It is during these pauses that I learn patience, am given strength- and am finally still enough to hear God's voice.
When I pause, I learn to once again fully rely on God. It is in life's pauses that I have intimacy with God. Where I am still enough to hear his voice and His direction.
There is nothing else in my life that causes the greatest pause than my Cushing's disease. It's the one thing that can not only cause me to pause but it can actually stop my life like a crazy train screeching to a halt. I can avoid it and ignore it, but sooner or later I will have no other choice- I will be forced into a pause.
Tuesday was the pause. The day had come that I was to stop ignoring this disease. I left for Chicago in the morning filled with hope that this disease had simply disappeared from my body and I returned home clinging to the answers I was given, but feeling very hopeless and defeated.
On the drive home I kept thinking about this verse.
Psalm 34:18(ESV)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit
Verse 19 goes on to say, "many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."
My spirit was crushed.
I HAVE again avoided adrenal surgery. That is great news-Praise God! BUT -the topic of repeat pituitary surgery came up (which would be extremely risky). After laughing at my doctor and reminding him that surgery through my nose will never happen again- EVER- He gave me another prescription to try. Another drug to be used off label (not it's intended purpose) and in high doses. One month. That's it. They will know. After that month, if there are no changes I will pause again.
During this particular pause I cannot afford to ask "why me?" I cannot afford to be frustrated and I certainly will not challenge God by asking him why. While I do not understand all the reasons why I'm still battling this disease and it's uncertainty, I do understand -clearly (but need to remind myself often) that being a follower of Christ and being surrendered to Him does not guarantee my good health. I also understand that the prayers I have prayed for the restoration of my health are being answered in His way and in His timing and that just because I am not cured right now doesn't mean it's hopeless. Prayer is what sustains me in my struggle. God has always given me what I needed to get through every moment. He will continue doing just that.
He is the Overcomer
John 16:33 says , "I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace ; in the world you will have tribulation, but take heart I have overcome the world."
I know that I can rest in His grace and trust in His love. I can always depend on God to cover my heart with His peace knowing that my peace should not depend on test results or scans or even how healthy I am, but my peace comes because He covers me with his love.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you , my peace I give to you ; not as the world gives do I give you. let not your hearts be troubled neither let them be afraid.
Since I was diagnosed in 2008 God has done incredible things in my life. He has helped me to see the blessings as well as the lessons this hardship contains. It has brought both my strengths and my weaknesses to the surface.
So my prayer today, as I begin yet another experimental drug, is that He helps me see the purpose behind His plan for me and that I draw closer to Him. Knowing in my weakness He is strong.
I pray that he covers me during this pause
and every pause after.
Isaiah 41:10
fear not for I am your God. I will strengthen you.I will help you and I will hold you with my righteous right hand.
Romans 8:28
and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose.
