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To not move.
To be still.
To be silent.
To listen.
It's hard until-
It becomes necessary.
Until the door slams.
Until things
fall apart.
Until trials come.
Sometimes it takes these trials, these limited options, personal struggles, heartache, and suffering to bring you to a place where you are face down.
Crying out.
A place you find yourself trapped knowing the only person who can help you is God.
Adversity humbles us. It clears away sin. It allows Christ in.
When we suffer, we are reminded what matters most.
Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the firery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing has happened to you; but rejoice to the extent you partake of Christ's sufferings that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.
- 1 Peter 4:12-13
Suffering is to be expected in life.
It's not something to tuck away and silently face. We need to be truthful about where we have come from. We need to not only deliberately remember for ourselves but we are called to share with others: to praise God even when things are tough. We should not hide the things that hurt us because we are ashamed or afraid
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. - 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4
This is why I choose to share my struggles with others, not just my Facebook self, but my real self.
I am once again in the very place I was in 2008 and in 2012. My Cushings disease is out of remission and this has caused a dark cloud to form over my mostly sunny life.
I ignored it all winter.
I denied it.
I stuffed it.
Now I fall to my knees because of it. I am here again. Sick. Tired. Hurting.
But... This is the time I must remain still,
I must rely on faith not sight.
The time where I am reminded once again- I cannot live in my own strength- I need God.
I need to hope in Him. Trust in Him. Pray to Him. I need to believe what He says is true.
God's plans for me are much bigger that the ones I have created for myself.
God's plans always turn out well for those who believe.
It is this belief that makes me able to face another round of this disease.
This battle is not mine to win. It is His. It will turn out well, I need only be still.
Believe me, my thoughts have to be very intentional. It's hard to feel like I'm losing control of my health again. To feel worry creep in, to put my family through this again.
But I cannot ignore this fact any longer. I am ready to get serious, knowing every single day I complain about it and ignore it is another day I am held captive to it.
God's got this but I need to control how I act as I face this again-when I feel frozen with fear. When I act out of frustration with the long, tedious testing process, I must remember:
God already knows how this turns out. It turns out well.
So, after 2 failed brain surgeries, countless trips to the Mayo Clinic, and 8 years of fighting it, here I go again-
Since I have already had 2 tumors removed as well as 1/2 of my pituitary my neurosurgeon will not go in again, not even to look, it's just too risky. My options at this point are limited:
I can remove both of my adrenal glands which would stop production and tumor growth but leave me at risk for many complications and a life time of replacement therapy.
I can try experimental drug interventions which have no guarantee and plenty of risks or if they can visualize another tumor on my MRI, gamma knife radiation. None if these options make me giddy.
We are also faced with finding a new treatment facility. The Mayo Clinic is a 9 hour drive and aftercare would be difficult. After I am released by the Mayo clinic they can send my records and their recommendations to 1 of 3 places
The Cleveland clinic, Ohio State wexler medical center or the pituitary and neuroendocrinolgy center at the university of Michigan.
This might take until the fall.
So this morning as I face a difficult summer, I am also reminded that every single trial in my life brings me closer to God. It gives me the opportunity to show God's grace to my friends and family in the most amazing ways.
For I, The Lord Your God will hold your right hand, saying to you, Fear not, I will help you. - Isaiah 41:13
My job is to
be still.
Thank you friends for sticking by me- I know right now I'm not an easy friend. I would appreciate it if you could add me to your prayers this summer.
Sent from my iPhone
