Give Me A Kahl: April 2012

Yesterday, I received a phone call from a friend. She was hurt because her son was hurting. How many times have we felt the same way? Why, after so many years of no bullying campaigns, are we STILL dealing with this issue?
There have been a lot of stories in the news lately concerning bullying. Recent deaths, school suspensions and the release of a new movie have caused us all to re- visit the topic. But the question is WHY are we STILL dealing with this?
I have a very simple theory- I am not saying you will like it or agree with it,it is all mine to own, and to talk about. My theory- we are going about this all wrong. We are targeting the wrong age group and we are blaming the wrong people when we discuss this topic.
First of all, before I go any further, I must say that I do not like the actual word bully. I will use it for this post and then I will challenge myself and all of you to never use the word again. The word bully is oftentimes misused, overused, and most of the time laking explanation. I use to think the word was acceptable until I read this article, you can read it herehttp://humaneconnectionblog.blogspot.com/2012/01/we-need-pro-hero-schools-instead-of.html. He really hit the nail on the head with this one!

SO- here is where I think we are going wrong.

We can not expect or kids to be filled with character, love, acceptance and charm if we are not teaching it AND LIVING it in our homes. We are telling our kids who they should be friends with. from a very young age we arrange playgroups and play dates formed by the adults with people the ADULTS like to be around. Parents are hand picking their childrens' friends from an early age and this continues when we control who they should play with, sit with, stand with, be on teams with, etc. Children hear their parents judge, criticize and nitpick at every issue...Did you see his pants? Did you look at her hair? I heard he lost his job. I heard they have a dirty house... but then, we expect our children to be accepting and tolerant of others and guess what?- it won't happen.
In my opinion, the root of this entire bullying epidemic starts at home when the parents start jockeying their children into acceptable social positions and pecking orders designed by parents, ruled by parents and accepted by parents, and then we all have the nerve to hang the no bully sign in the hallways of our SCHOOLS! We actually blame the schools when the parents social plans are disrupted.
Every single day we are all judged. We are judged for the clothes we wear, the choices we make, the food we eat, the church we attend, the color of our skin- and on and on and on. It is so easy to judge but not so easy to be judged yourself. It is this judgement of others that fuels the bullying epidemic. Kids are bullied because they have been judged and then we turn around and label the bully and JUDGE him/her and thus begins a viscous cycle.
If your child has ever been bullied you fall into this proactive mode- stand tall, turn the other cheek- you become your child's cheerleader as you guide them, but you are secretly whispering to your spouse- I hope he punches him dead center in the face with the force of Hercules and then trips him on his way down! And that is where it begins. We have to let go of Mama and Papa Bear and wish the plague on the bully. We only need to be teaching our OWN children values, and character at HOME. If we were all doing this with no hidden agendas, the bullying problem would cease to exists. Instead of hanging a "NO BULLYING" sign in our schools, we need to hang them in our homes, churches, carpool lines, PTO rooms, baseball fields, basketball courts and just about everywhere parents gather.
We have parents that are still living in a dreamworld of their own childhood and instead of teaching their own children to be moral and loyal and confident, they are making ignorant statements such as "Bullying is a part of childhood"
Bullying is NOT and SHOULD NOT be a part of any ones childhood.
It is not a life lesson
It is not a rite of passage.
It is not something they should work out.
Bullying moves into our schools FROM the home when we accept it and become absent from all accountability as parents. We TELL our children to be accepting, but we are not.
We TELL out children to play with everyone, but we micromanage every friend.
We TELL our children to accept each other differences, but we push our way as the BEST.
We TELL them to stand up for themselves as they watch us struggle to stand up for our OWN self.
Lets face it- mean kids and mean adults know EXACTLY what they are doing. They know they are hurting you. They want to hurt you. If you are potty trained and you are being mean you KNOW what you are doing. We do not acknowledge that our children can me mean and need to be taught at home, a set of values. We instead blame the schools for our problems. When did this" surely they did something first attitude begin? As a society this denial and absentee parenting is adding fuel to the fire. Parents need to be held accountable for their children's actions. Are we teaching them values? Are we teaching them to respect authority when we question it ourselves?
So the answer to the question, why is this still happening is easy-
It is happening because we ignore it, we accept it, we contribute to it. If you look closely you will see it is the lack of parenting, the dismissal of the family value system, being pressured as a society to let our children roam free, to be lazy parents, to not be there for our children. This IS the ROOT of the bullying epidemic.
We need to stop blaming the children and the schools and start blaming ourselves.
We are who are children are to become. We are their first line of defense. What we do they will do- so focusing on what you should do as a family NOT what the schools should be doing for you!
So this is it- you are your child last chance, raise them to be strong, loving, tolerant kids, spend time with them and just maybe you will notice the word bully will go away.