God Meant It For Good

Friends: You have once again amazed me with the amount of support you have shown me and my family in the past few weeks. In a moment of complete desperation, I asked for blind prayers and you responded with not only prayers but phone calls, gifts of encouragement, thoughtful notes and support.  I have been humbled by your swift and thoughtful responses. 

It is so easy to see God’s goodness when our lives are smooth and uneventful but it’s hard to see His goodness in the midst of a trial. You were able to help me see the goodness and focus on that. What an incredible gift God has given to us in our relationships with others.  Life is difficult and bad things do happen, things that happen without explanation. It always amazes me how God can send warriors in the form of friends and in unexpected ways. The last two weeks have shown me that even through a trial, God is still good. His timing is perfect. His purpose is perfect. Even when I don't see his hand, I believe it’s there because I can see yours. Again, I thank you.

I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to see the past two weeks in any other way except horrible. I’ve thought a lot about why I should or shouldn’t share our story. I want you to know this is not a “in the moment” post but one I have thought a great deal about and one I have tried to approach with care. It scares me to think that anyone would have to endure what our family has  - It shouldn’t have happened to us and it should never happen again to anyone else.  In order for that change to happen, I need to speak candidly and honestly about our experience so that you can learn from it. 

As parents it is our job, among other things, to teach our children character. We  know that integrity, honesty and accountability are all important traits we want to see in our children but teaching these traits is sometimes difficult. 

Being raised in a godly home no way insures that our children will always make good decisions or that they will be perfect but we pray for that outcome and guide them towards that goal. We try, to the best of our abilities, to raise kids who treat others with respect and dignity while simultaneously trying to prepare them for a world that is harsh and cruel. 

Today’s world is not the same as the world of our teenage years. Our kids are bombarded with images of who the world thinks they should be. They live in a digital society where destructive words and actions are reinforced and sometimes even liked and applauded.  The hurt and destruction this digital age has brought is darker and more evil than anything we had to endure. It only adds to the difficulty it takes to help our children grow their character. 

We teach our children to endure suffering and to hold their anger while at the same time telling them they should defend themselves and others in situations that they know are wrong.  This is especially difficult to do with the onset of social media.

We are confusing them.

“Stand tall…but hide behind a screen”

“Don’t let anyone mistreat you…unless they are behind a screen

“Report…when its easy”

“React…only when it suits you”

“Speak out…when you feel someone is worthy”

“Stand up…if you have back up”

“See something-say something…unless you feel like recording it”

“Defend your body…or abuse it”

“Defend your honor…when it makes you look good”

These are the kinds of messages we are sending to our own children.

We encourage them to look for the good in every situation but also to guard their hearts and still, somehow mixed in all of these already conflicting messages, is the message that being brave means facing adverse situations with a positive outlook, a smile and with your head held high. Quietly and without reacting.

BUT then we find ourselves face down in our own trial and we learn being brave is not always easy and pleasant. Being brave sometimes involves taking a risk.

Acting. 

Talking. 

Admitting faults. 

Sticking up for someone.

Starting a difficult conversation.  

Above everything else, we learn that being brave means doing SOMETHING. 

Our kids need to know this AND see this from us.

How many times have our children suffered at the hands of another child or adult and we chose not to “rock the boat” only to find out that same bully moved on to someone else because he knew he could get away with it?

How many times have we looked the other way when our own children misbehave?

How many times have we let our kid’s friendships continue that we know are toxic because we do not want conflict?

We refuse to act. We refuse to report. We avoid being “that parent” at all costs even when the cost is the safety of other children.

We don't react and because of this others suffer.

Parents:  we cannot continue to fail our children this way.

Being brave is choosing to speak out even when its difficult or you are scared and yes, even if you are standing alone. 

Our kids need to see that we will react when their lives and integrity are in jeopardy. We must react even if its hard. 

We must make the phone call. We must fill out the form and we must report not to other parents but to the school administration and even the police. 

Being brave involves risk but it is a risk that we must teach our children to take. Risk is something our kids need to see us take to show our bravery. 

I’m choosing to be brave right now not because I want to but because I need to.

I know people will judge me and my family but I feel  it is more important to speak than it is to remain comfortable.  I wish I could sit with you all and look at you so you could see my hurt and pain and see how we have been broken and brought to our knees because of hate, ignorance, lack of action or reaction. No family should ever find themselves in our situation. We all need to face this head on. 

Ben is a wonderful and brilliant teenager who has a diagnoses of Aspergers. We know this. The school knows this. Most of our friends know this. I wrote about his diagnoses in this post if you need further explanation. 

Ben has an IEP which is a legal and binding document that protects him by law.  Certain safeguards are in place to protect his safety and insure he is educated in the least restrictive environment.  Those that care for Ben should know his diagnoses including his challenges and work to make the school environment safe for him. They should be doing this for all kids, regardless of whether or not they have an IEP. I have spent many nights praying for not only his inclusion but for his safety. It has not been easy. Every time I stepped into a new battle for his rights or his safety, I became more and more numb, bitter and resentful. 

My heart turned colder which is why, when two weeks ago, our family was in the midst of  battle once again, I shut down. I lost all hope. Losing all hope is not a place where you want to stay very long. It was a dark place.

Two weeks ago Ben was involved in an altercation on the bus which the school said was unprovoked. It is an altercation we have seen coming for 3 full years and one, if PHM would have responded to in our prior reports, would have never happened. 

Starting the summer of seventh grade, Ben has been ruthlessly and relentlessly targeted by a bully. We have filed report after report to not only the school but to our local cybercrime division of the police. We did everything we were supposed to do as parents. We followed the rules. We documented. We reported. We surrounded Ben with adults who tried to walk him through this. It still continues. We watched helplessly as this child slowly stripped away our child’s self worth and confidence. It has been sneaky, planned and heartbreaking. We watched and reported. We have documented all of this. 

This  all started the summer of seventh grade when this child came into our home with the sole purpose of taking pictures of our child and posting them to social media sites with disparaging remarks. We watched on social media his continued disparaging of others.We watched this all with no reaction from administration at all levels in the PHM district. For three full years,  Ben watched as the very adults who were supposed to protect him ignored it, contributed to it, and excused it. This child is the reason we had to remove our child from Discovery Middle School before the end of eighth grade. We were unaware of it  until two weeks ago, but have learned since that it continued at PENN.

PHM has done nothing. Kevin and I both knew there would come a time that Ben would have to step in and defend himself and that is exactly what happened two weeks ago. Two weeks ago we lost all faith that the school would ever protect our child and that the bully will always win. Always.  This was only magnified as I received email after email of other bullying experiences that have been met with no response. We learned that speaking up means nothing at all when met with downplaying and denial both by the school and even other parents.

We knew that this “altercation” was not “unprovoked” and we were furious. The school suspended Ben for two days and handed Ben to this child on a silver platter with a side of bragging rights. In their minds- case closed. 

If all of this was not enough to make us furious, this event has sparked an influx of information to us and we found out that this bully had written a rap song, which was downloaded to Sound Cloud, calling Ben a retard and naming five other PENN students in both disparaging and frightening ways. Specific threats. Named children. The school has had this in its possession since June. We did not know our child was specifically named until after Ben’s suspension. We did not learn this from the school. We learned this from a parent. A parent who BRAVELY contacted us. A parent we could all learn from. We were horrified. Scared and MAD. 

I cant speak for the school as to the reasons the school chose not to respond to these direct threats against their students but one excuse we heard was that they “talked to the parents” about it. When I asked why we were not afforded the same opportunity to “take care of it”  with our own son we were met with vague excuses. 

I’m telling you this because as parents we should be outraged. 

The very school which is tasked with keeping our children safe was in possession of lyrics and songs of pure hate and evil intent, naming specific students and it appears they did nothing. I know we were never notified. I’ve given the district every chance to make this right, to assure me my child is safe. We  have been afforded nothing and friends, let me tell you, I am having a hard time moving forward. I was trying. I was seeking advice, praying, researching, sorting through, and questioning.

the day after Christmas I stopped when I realized the only thing that was left to do was to share our experience in hope of preventing it from happening again. I have done every thing that I can. I have contacted those who need to be contacted. I have had the appropriate conversations. I have shed rivers of tears and I can cry no more. 

I know life is hard. I know evil exists but I also know God is good. He never changes. Things are not always going to go the way I imagine them going but I have to trust that even if the school continues to be unresponsive, God isn’t unresponsive.

The day Ben was suspended people showed up for us in unimaginable ways. Texts, calls, visits, encouraging words. They encouraged us to endure and they supported Ben, knowing he would never react without provocation both immediate and over the years and that my friends, is what sustained our family and grew us. It is why after I post this I will continue to push for change and share our story. 

God speaks to us in the most unimaginable ways and sometimes in our deepest heartache are our greatest lessons. This lesson has brought such deep pain that I must somehow find good in. 

Genesis 50:20 says, “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.”

Behind this heartache of ours is a God who is at work. A God whom I know to be faithful. 

When trials and heartache come about, especially when they involve our children, we always want a quick deliverance from a God whom we know is able. When our kids suffer, our suffering is even greater because we cant see how the trial will turn out so even though I know I must keep believing God is a sovereign God. This does not mean I can just passively endure this trial, especially when others safety is involved. This is why Im speaking. How you react is your choice. I hope you choose to search for answers and encourage change.

There is evil in this world. Whether of not it comes knocking on your door, you shouldn't become immune or hardened towards it  but we should seek to dispel it by bringing more light to drown out the darkness. Today’s bullies are not those of our childhood. These bullies know how to effectively and secretly hurt and humiliate our children. They are both blatant in their attempts while also flying under the radar. They  hide. They cover. They persist. When one account is deleted another one emerges.  They move from child to child. Do not think yours will not be next. 

Do not become immune to evil. Overcome it with good.

Parents: We must start reacting. 

If our schools were actively seeking ways to bring this problem to the light, it would not exist at the level it does today. If parents we were all willing to discipline our children even in the difficult moments, especially in the difficult moments, we could start moving forward with confidence that change will happen.  

Today I do not have that confidence.

I pray this changes.

We all need to show our community that we won’t stand by and pretend this is not a problem. We have to show them that the light always overcomes the darkness. 

It can only happen when we  choose to step in and be brave. 

 Please be brave and use our story for good