Prayer Request

 Friends: 

I humbly am asking for prayer. It’s the only thing that I have not done since last week. I am desperate. I need to rally my troops. I feel like I am being targeted by the enemy who wants me sad and defeated and he is good at what he does. Will you please pray for us?  I know for sure until I see Him face-to-face, God works through his people. Prayer is powerful and I could use it’s strength. 

Last week began with lower back pain just a dull constant ache but because of some digestive challenges in the past it was enough to send me to the doctor. He recommended a simple cleanse which I did but did not result in relief. Early Wednesday morning I got out of bed and my body locked up. I have no way to explain this but my entire left side was like a solid rod and I collapsed. It was excruciating pain and I started screaming. There was no whimpering -it was horror film level screaming. After Kevin and Ben realized they could not move me Kevin called 911. 

I only remember bits and pieces after this and Kevin has filled in some blanks but the parts I do remember are what I need prayer for. They have deeply effected me. I can’t seem to process or get past them. 

Because I was on the second floor of our home the EMT’s had to try and get me downstairs with my body locked up tight, the decision was made to give me Ketamine which is “conscious sedation” through an IV. 

My experience with Ketamine was the scariest event I have had in my life so far. Not only did I feel like I was dying and that i was out of my own body, I kept telling Kevin that I was seeing Jesus, Bruiser, his mom, dad and I repeatedly told  him I was dying and going to be with Jesus. As you can imagine this was not just distressing to me but also to Kevin. In addition to that, the Ketamine triggered a memory I had long suppressed, but had to relive it while in route to the hospital.( I hope to meet with the EMT’s one day so I can get more information on what they witnessed but needless to say it was terrifying to me.)

Please pray that as I continue to process this experience, I will gain clarity in both the effects of this drug as well as working through the memory it has now brought to my every thought throughout my day. It’s inescapable. 

Please pray that as I seek God’s help as well as talking with a licensed therapist, that I will find healing. 

Please also pray for all of our local EMT’s. They are amazing and they go through so much. I have been thinking a lot about them. I was one call that morning. I just can’t imagine responding to similar calls all day. They need all of our prayers as well as our respect. What they do is amazing. They are heroes. I know that their lives and the health care industry in general went from pandemic heroes to villains due to staffing shortages and long waits in the blink of an eye to many but I hope by reading my experience you will understand not only what they are up against but their commitment to the people in our community. They will always be, pandemic or not, heroes in my eyes. 

As I arrived at Beacon Granger Hospital I was a complete mess. Loud. Scared. Confused. Still feeling the effects of the drug and very loudly sharing it with anyone nearby. I was in pain and completely disconnected from my body. Upon arrival Kevin was still getting approval to come back so I was alone except for the poor EMT who I was begging not to leave me. 

From here things were just chaotic. It’s the only word I have to describe it. 

They first tried to ease my pain by giving me morphine. Apparently I am allergic. I started to react with muscle spasms. It appeared I was having a seizure but it was determined to be just a bad reaction. This was followed by Benedryl which made me feel like I was choking on a gallon of salt ( no explanation for that) 

It was scary to me to experience but it was also nearly the end of Kevin’s ability to cope with what was happening. I can only imagine what he was feeling at this point. It has been the only time in our nearly 25 years of marriage I saw fear in his eyes. I was repeatedly telling him I was going to die, that I see Jesus and now I’m flailing about uncontrollably. It was a lot even for someone as calm as Kevin. 

The decision was then made to transport me to memorial for additional scans while also trying to secure a bed in what were nearly full hospitals. I remember very little of this time. The only thing I do remember is the cold air hitting my face while being loaded into the ambulance for transport to the other hospital. 

The doctors told Kevin I could possibly be waiting up to 7 hours but miraculously I was back to Beacon Granger in 2 hours with a room waiting. I assume I was heavily sedated as I have no memory of any of this time. 

The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital room where I stayed for the next two days as they tried to figure out what was wrong and reduce my pain. 

During this time I had so many drugs pumping into my body. I was unable to walk or take care of a single basic need and I was afraid. Kevin was there but in my mind he was far away. 

Fear is paralyzing. Initially fear makes you forget your faith and who is really in control. 

After some time of wishing for my own death, a place I never hope to be in again, I stopped trying to control the outcome in my head and question the reasons why this was happening and started to trust God to protect me. He placed his hand over me and allowed me to pass through a very painful experience I definitely did not want but one where He was always nearby. 

Those nights in the hospital I was so overwhelmed my prayers were short, direct and desperate. Both nights I had two songs playing in a constant loop in my head They reminded who was in control, who I place my trust in and they brought me comfort when I couldn’t find the words. 

If you would like to listen I have included them here:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uOP4s8fOEm0&list=RDuOP4s8fOEm0&start_radio=1

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MF_4vCIzVng

Since that time in the hospital they have ruled out spinal cord injury and disc issues. They have landed on a nerve related issue and are treating it as such. Regardless, they are trying to find the “sweet spot” of relief with medication. Unfortunately the medicine makes me unable to drive or even function properly in my role of domestic engineer and motherhood until my body adjusts to the medicine. Right now I feel overwhelmed. For a time, I did not feel like I was going to make it out of this mess. There have been nights this week that my only prayer was for the night to end. However, right in the middle of doubt, fear, questioning and worry there has also been Jesus. 

How easily I seem to forget his presence in the everyday yet how truly amazing that I feel Him so deeply in the midst of deep pain. It reminded me how easy it is to shift your attention away from Jesus in your life when you are not suffering. The fact that I can see and feel God working even in the midst of my current mess and in the pain I’m experiencing is a incredible testimony to how God works through pain. 

The Bible is filled with stories of men and women who experienced incredible difficulties while at the same time speaking of God’s presence in their lives. Pray that we can all be reminded of his presence not just in suffering but in our daily lives. 

Most of all friends pray for Kevin. It’s been A LOT-Starting after thanksgiving with his dental emergency, then Bruiser’s sudden death, Gabe’s sickness and his hospitalization and now mine. 

He has never complained . Not once. He picked up every household task with a smile. Ran to multiple pharmacies, documented medical care, set up charts for medicine dosing, kept me hydrated, has had very little sleep all while continuing to do his job. ( The one that pays the bills) Pray for his continued strength and for his ability to rest peacefully. 

I am reminded how my life has been filled with trials both big and small but it has also been filled with major comebacks, the strengthening of my faith and the knowledge that every trial will somehow be used for His glory. I am certain if this. 

Pray that I am continually reminded that something good is up ahead. 

Thank you for being friends I can trust to get me through times like these by covering my family in prayer. 

XOXO

Mary