Parents: We Are The Problem

The world is filled with hate.

We see it on the news and social media. We see hate in the schools, on sports fields and even in line at the grocery store. 

Our family has been a victim of hate and of  targeting and it didn't happen because of our skin color or our socioeconomic status. It happened because the parents let it. As parents we are the ones letting hate thrive in our culture.  This problem is ours. 

For our family it happened as what a lot of people see as "innocent hate" - schoolyard taunts, exclusions and social media shaming. Sometimes this innocent hate stops after the school yard or when high school is over but other times is goes unchecked- growing and festering until we see these schoolyard bullies on the local news. 

Think about it this way. 

Every protester we see, Every single person holding a sign while not holding a job- they are someone's child. They had the influence of parents and other adults for years leading to the very moment we see them on the news. The hate in their hearts has been ignored and cultivated long before the moment we see them on the local news. It passed through many adults before it showed its ugly face on the news. 

Yet, nothing changes. It not only doesn't change but It has progressively gotten worse. We know these seemingly little moments of hate will sooner or later turn into full blown  I don't care who sees me hate and we do nothing.

For the last two years I have been writing a book about bullying which I feel has somehow become a form of hate that we excuse or don't seem to mind.  I've poured into it for two full years and recently in a complete moment of clarity, I shredded it. It was liberating (and maybe a little crazy). I did not do this out of anger or frustration but because I knew it was time. Our focus needs to shift. I was trying to be a voice for those that don't have one when I finally realized that they dont need my single voice they need a collective battle cry from every single parent. 

This world is a hate- filled mess. It is right  now and it was two years ago when my family was seeing it up close and personal. It's not a political problem. It's not a school problem or a government problem. 

It's a parenting problem. 

It's time that we all stop playing the victim role so well and start seeing our world, including bullying for what they really are. 

A full blown parenting crises. 

The turning away from family time in favor of other activities.  The slow decline of a parent's influence and voice with regards to raising our own children. 

No amount of research data or public service announcements will actually prepare you for when your family is in the midst of a crises -bullying, hate-filled or otherwise.  I am proof.  

I was in the midst of writing, researching and collecting data for which would have become a book about modern day bullying and I missed EVERY. SINGLE. SIGN even when hate walked through my own front door. 

Parents- We are allowing this hate to not only thrive but we are opening our own front doors and letting it walk right in. 

Believe me- we literally let hate walk right through our own front door when we allowed a child, who we thought we could trust enter our home. We opened the door to him ( and his phone) and  let him walk right in.  Our whole ugly, heart wrenching six months of experiencing hate first hand started when we opened the door to it. 

Parents we do this every day in so many ways. We excuse it, ignore it and justify it. It might not always come knocking on your front door, it could happen scrolling through social media, in overheard adult conversations or by simply turning on the television. We give hate a personal invitation into our families lives and sometimes we don't even realize it until the damage is already done. 

Bullying and hate will only stop when parents stop allowing it in. When we show them we won't allow hate to enter. 

When we were facing the enormity of our own situation I didn't want to read a book about it. I wanted explanations. I didn't want statistics I wanted answers. I certainly did not want to open up Facebook and see people sharing sad videos of traumatized children who had been bullied while at the same time doing nothing. I wanted someone to do something.

Parents: if you think hate only exists in the national spotlight you are naive. To see hate you need to look no further than your own seemingly safe community- the sidelines of a sporting event or in the hallways of your child's school. You don't need to read the newspaper or see it on social media it's in our own backyards.  It's in these every day places that the seeds of hate, privilege and exclusion are planted and cultivated by our own lack of attention to them.  Our kids don't know the difference between right and wrong until we tell them and show them in our everyday interactions.

Hate exits when we allow it to. 

Hate happens in the abscence of love and direction.

What did I need when I witnessed hate on a personal level? 

I needed someone to take ownership for it. 

I needed parents who actually took responsibility. 

I needed SOMEONE to respond. 

I got nothing. 

Now that I am on the other side of this experience and as I watch the daily news become more and more hate filled,  I am able to see clearly what went wrong in our situation and what is wrong now.  

We are placing the responsibility and blame on our kids when it should be on us. When our children are bullied it's oftentimes because the are labeled as different ( we prefer exceptional) but then we automatically turn around and label the "bully" and judge them. 

Bullying does not still exist because kids are born with a bullying gene, it exists because we allow it to. The people we watch on the nightly news were not born with the protester gene any more than they were born with a hate gene. Even worse,  in today's society there are those that are video taping every second of the hate but doing nothing to stop it. 

Before I was dealing with it firsthand,  I had always been under the assumption that most kids and adults will react if they see bullying or hate happening or that in the very least they will react if they see something they know is wrong.  

They do not. 

Which is why no one should be shocked at the events in our schools or in our world.

Bullying starts in our homes when we allow it and accept it. It then moves into the schools and then spreads out into the world. We are the ones raising these bullies and bystanders. 

When we look to blame someone we should look no further than to ourselves. 

It's not the systems fault when our kids are jerks, it is our own. 

At its heart bullying happens when kids are mean and most of the time they are mean because of us. Our homes are the places where character should be taught and lived out every single day, even on the days it is hard. Even when we do not want to. 

Hate doesn't discriminate based on your socioeconomic status. Our child was at a four star school, where the majority of students are middle to upper class. bullying posters hung on the walls, and curriculum was in place regarding bullying yet it still happened and far worse no one reacted to it happening.

Contrary to research kids do not want to step in and many times adults look the other way. Your child is not likely to tell you if they witness or are a victim of a hate filled interaction. 

Our child told us nothing until it became  too much to bear.  We are fortunate he finally said something. It is likely your child will not tell you. which is why when is comes to bullying campaigns we fail year after year.  You can't teach anti- bullying tactics to a whole school of kids who don't posses the strength in their character to stand up for their own self much less others. As parents we are responsible for building that strength of character. 

Instead of anti bullying campaigns in the schools we need to start teaching character in our own homes and to our own children. 

We need to raise kids who will not only be strong enough to stand up for themselves but for others.

So many people were bystanders in our case,  including the parents of the aggressor. This is frightening. 

It means we are not only raising aggressors, we are raising followers who watch it happen and do nothing.  It means sometimes it's the parents who watch and do nothing. 

We see a lot of footage of protests filled with hate but not a lot of people doing anything. They point fingers and make sure to record it while saying nothing. We are not only raising children who think it's ok to publically humiliate others. Far worse is that this same generation finds joy in sharing the humiliation over and over again. instead of stepping in to help. 

In our case

No one stepped in 

Not. 

One. 

Person. 

No adult or child. 

No one. 

It was happening in the classroom, in the hallway, in the lunchroom. It was physical, verbal, on social media and it started with one child and spread like the plague. 

When it was finally addressed 

They excused. 

They blamed us. 

They dismissed.

They allowed it to not only happen but to continue unchecked. 

They did-

The  parents of the aggressor. 

This lack of parenting is what is wrong. 

This trend of thinking our kids can do no wrong and shifting the blame to others is contributing to a downward spiral of our world and if we hit rock bottom we have no one to blame but ourselves. These adults on the news who feel wronged, who are looking to blame anyone but themselves learned that behavior from someone. 

We are watching a generation of kids who would rather video tape a suicide than to step in and stop it. 

Let that sink in. 

We are raising a generation of kids who hide behind screens in their bedrooms with closed doors. 

This is not a debate of time, money, career parents vs. stay at home parents. It's not about single parents or even the age of the parents- it's about actually BEING a parent. 

Having hard conversations. Disciplining. Being our childrens greatest advocate but not their friend. 

Setting an example. 

Checking phones, 

Checking friends. 

Checking where they are. 

ACTIVELY parenting our own children. 

Kids are not mean because it's their nature. They are mean because they are allowed to act that way. 

They are mean because of US. 

This is the next generation. 

If you think we are divided now, wait. It's only going to get worse. 

As technology increases 

Parenting seems to decrease. 

This is why I stopped writing a book about bullying. The realization that nothing will change unless the parents do. We are far past the point that a book will help. We are overworked and stretched thin. Instead of reading we need to  put everything down and reconnect with our children. 

We need to admit we ARE the problem. 

The parents. 

The adults. 

This is our issue. we are raising these kids. 

The ones who tear others down to lift themselves up.

The ones who step on and shove anyone whose in the way. 

The ones, who instead of being happy when their friends succeed, find ways to discredit them. 

We are the ones planning their friendships, jockeying them into the social positions we think they deserve and need. we are the ones raising children who are self centered and entitled. Whose worth comes from a sports team they are on, the grades they receive and the clothes they wear. Who are being taught to shove instead of reach, ignore instead of include and to prey on weaknesses instead of building up strengths. 

We must stop placing the blame on the schools and politicians and party lines and  look no further than to ourselves. 

Our schools and our law enforcement are responsible to REACT to bad behavior but we are responsible for how our kids ACT. We need to step up our game. 

 Our schools can do nothing to prevent bullying if our children are just mean spirited, inclusive brats and they are because we allow it, ignore it and contribute to it. If we continue to raise them with a survival of the fittest attitude. We will never conquer bullying much less our hate filled world. 

One of the hardest things we do as parents is to let our children fail but it is even worse to fill them full of excuses and participation trophies. Parenting is hard and it requires work. It's not always simple and there are days I don't think I will survive it.  I do know, from personal experience that nothing will bring you to your knees harder and faster than when you watch your child suffer at the hands of another child. I don't ever want any family to experience what we did- A burning ember of hate which turned into a fire because it was left unattended and no one had the courage to throw water on it and put it out. 

We must raise kids who learn how to win humbly but lose graciously. The world doesn't owe them a thing. Their teachers and coaches owe them nothing. As their parents we do owe them something. We owe it to them to be an example. A positive one. We owe it to our children to instill character traits that will cause them to choose kindness over hate. Whose buckets will be so full of goodness that they are ready to not only sprinkle drops when needed but dump their buckets out to extinguish a fire! 

We owe our children every minute of our time and every ounce of our loyalty even when it means they will have bruised egos and learn hard lessons. 

I want my children to be good people. I don't want them to be performances junkies or mean spirited. I don't want them to live in a world where their worth is based on social status/ it is not. 

I want them to know that their worth is not based on a team, a friend or academic success. More than anything else I want them to be kind in ALL circumstances. I don't want them to become hardened because of what they have had to endure from others or what is happening in their world. 

I'm sick of repairing the damage mean kids do. I'm sick of having to explain to my kids why these kids have no empathy or consciences but  I'm certainly not going to blame presidents, school administrators or teachers because that only contributes to the  problem and shows them when the world isn't going your way you blame and point fingers or hold up a sign instead of examining your own motives and heart. 

We need to stop blaming everyone else and 

start blaming ourselves. 

We are what has happened. 

We have accepted and ignored behaviors and attitudes that we shouldn't. We have let technology raise our kids and we are exlperiencing the repercussions. 

We should start this school year not only advocating for anti- bullying campaigns and placing new posters on the wall or even lending new voices to the cause but by teaching our own children how to be strong and kind. 

Instead of calling administrators , teachers, coaches and pastors and placing blamie on everyone else I think we need to start this school year by looking at ourselves and taking responsibility.

What we express as important whether it be grades, sports, extra curricular is what will be important to our kids.  We need to start showing our kids kindness is important. Inclusion is important. Acceptance is important. It's just as important when no one is watching as it is when they are in a group. We need to not only talk about these things we need to live them out in our homes. We need to teach our children to be humble, gracious and accepting of everyone and we need to show them in our own actions that we value these things. 

We have the opportunity to show them how to express kindness and character even in the difficult moments. They need to know that character is far more valuable than social status and their value is far greater than being on the top rung of a middle school or high school ladder,  How they choose to treat people reaches far beyond the classroom and into the world. A world our kids will soon be leading. One that will continue to be a cut throat, self-centered, push and shove, one sided world if we don't intervene. 

Inclusion and acceptance are both more powerful than bullying.  Parents, we need to show our children this truth. 

We have gotten lazy. We get caught up in how good we feel when our children are happy and accepted without even realizing who we trample on to get there. We are creating in our children everything but the character traits that will make them empathetic, sensitive, and contributing members of our society.  

Let's stop judging and trying to mend a whole society and start by mending our own children. 

Maybe just maybe if we step in and become active parents we can set an example that we don't allow these behaviors and our kids will follow our lead.

There is far too much hate in our world, in our school and in our own backyards. 

The only way it will stop is if we step in and take a stand against it. To lead by example and dicipline in the hard moments. To make family a priority and not an afterthought. 

We need to step in and step up and Start parenting our children. 

We are what is wrong in this world. 

Let's stop blaming everyone else.