Hope

Yesterday I prayed over this bottle of pills just like I had done 30 days ago before I took the first dose. This bottle contains the drug Keteconozole. 

Using it to treat Cushing's disease is considered off-label, unconventional, experimental, and for me, it signals a new hope for relief from a disease I've been battling for eight years.

This bottle also serves as a reminder of WHO is my hope.

After 30 days with no change in symptoms but plenty of side effects, after days on the couch and nights with little sleep, I had allowed my mind to wander briefly to that place where defeat exists, where losing becomes a possibility and winning doesn't happen-the place where I am almost out of options-almost out of interventions, a place that I depend upon doctors and treatment plans and weird pills-a place that allowed me to look at 

ONE bottle of pills 

ONE doctor 

ONE more try 

ONE more dose 

A place where I forgot to look to 

THE ONE -

THE ONE WHO HEALS.

THE ONE WHO NEVER LEAVES.

THE ONE WHO ALREADY KNOWS.

THE ONE WHO IS NEVER OUT OF OPTIONS.

During the eight years I have battled this disease I have been swinging like a giant pendulum between 

sickness and health 

remission and failure 

weak and strong 

despair and hope.

This new year- I am choosing to focus on HOPE. 

Hope is a word that I will cling to as I start 2015-not in a blow out a candle or toss a penny in the fountain kind of way hope but biblical hope.

I don't just WISH to be healthy. I have never in eight years just crossed my fingers and waited-wishing to be healthy. The hope I cling to is the hope that I find in my Bible. 

 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (ESV)

The hope in the Bible is seeing the good or expecting good even when it seems I am without options.

It is confident.

It is assured.

It is certain.

HOPE is a wonderful thing even if I hold just a tiny sliver of it or a promise of it. Knowing God will act and trusting that he will is hope. 

The very heart of the gospel message is HOPE. 

In him we have obtained an inheritance having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of His will.

Ephesians 1:11 (ESV)

God is the only one who can offer me hope in the middle of this pain. It's not just God's intention but it's His heart's desire. 

Since the first symptom and ultimate surgery to every follow up, additional surgery, test, and MRI, I know none of this pain is wasted -NONE. 

I know God is glorified through the healthy and the sick and he is faithful. The Bible assures me 

My times are in Your hands.

Psalm 31:15

God is in complete control.

When my life is spinning ,He holds me tighter 

When I am facedown, He lifts me up.

My times are not in the control of my disease. My times are in His control and because of that, I can continue to hope and to be assured that no matter what happens ,it will be used for good. 

GOOD doesn't necessarily mean freedom from this illness. 

Maybe GOOD is bringing hope or strength to someone else facing hardship 

 Maybe GOOD is how this disease has made me completely transparent about my struggles, possibly opening the door for others to feel confident enough to share their struggles or maybe the GOOD is simply the journey. 

Learning to trust His promises , learning to praise Him in every circumstance and teaching myself to search the scriptures for assurance instead of googling possible results. 

Making time to be with Him by searching has already allowed me to know:

Because of hope I am secure.

And you would be secure because there is hope Job 11:18 (ESV)

Because of hope I am confident.

Lead me in your truth and teach me for you are the God of my salvation on you I will wait all the day. Psalm 25:5 (ESV)

Because of hope I will wait.

Wait on the Lord ;be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. wait, I say, on the Lord!  Psalm 27:14

Because of hope my strength is renewed.

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount up with wings like eagles they shall run and not be weary they shall walk and not faint Isaiah 40:31

I will wait.

I will strengthen my faith. 

I will hope. 

May 2015 bring you the assurance of HOPE no matter what you are facing. 

🎶"I find my strength. I find my hope. I find my help, IN CHRIST ALONE. "🎶

This song is a great reminder who to cling to during difficult times! 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wNRFumI2ch0&sns=em

Happy Transparent Thanksgiving

Happy Transparent Thanksgiving To You!

It's November  and I really want to join the "be extra thankful" movement this month- but, I really do not fit into that movement. Of course I believe in being thankful and I AM thankful, but I also don't want to focus on these things -which could cause everyone to see what appears to be a perfect, blissful life when my life is not that at all. 

However, even in my messes, I do want you to know, I can be thankful while also being real about my struggles.
It's November- I should be thankful but I'm just tired.  The reality is, most days I have to search deep down to board the thankful train. Those days when my house goes from sparkling clean to hazard zone in 30 minutes. The days when my thankfulness gets left in the sink with the dirty breakfast dishes. 
But-
According to my Facebook posts, it might appear that my thankfulness plate should be overflowing and that is exactly what the problem is: when we give highlight reels instead of behind the scenes footage we are choosing to post and see the best of our lives and everyone's lives on social media- and for some, me included, it can makes us look good or it can make us feel inferior, sad or give us a sense of loss- it just depends on who is reading and who is writing. This is why this thanksgiving I want to make sure my transparent self, not my Facebook or blogging self tells you what I am thankful for. 
    Quite simply, I am thankful I am a mess. 

I'm not afraid to tell you I am a mess and I'm not afraid to talk about my messes. I know some people are. My hope is that we can all become more transparent in our relationships. What joy it is to listen to someone and be able to say You? Me too!!! I'm telling you it's ok. 

To be transparent does not mean I should or will hang my dirty laundry out on social media. I certainly would not honor God by shaming myself. But it is also my responsibility not to pretend that my life is perfect and that the bits and pieces of my life you see on social media and at events in the community are my whole life, rather than just glimpses of the good times. My life is no more perfect and exuding thankfulness in November than it is in July or any day in between but being transparent means that I can and should share what is inside, deep in my heart, in my everyday struggles. Why? Because we are told to "Bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2) and I can't really do that if Im not honest about them. When I expose what I struggle with, my friends can pray for me, I can ask to be held accountable, I can love authentically. Is this easy? Absolutely not. As I share my struggles I am opening myself up to be judged, rejected and sometimes hurt. Thankfulness sometimes needs to be dug up and uncovered in our messy lives and sometimes the struggle IS the part we should be thankful for.  
In her book entitled Move On, Vicky Courtney puts it best.

  "When we refuse to talk about our past struggles and the messy moments in our life, we fail to tell the whole story of our lives. We miss God ordained moments to receive the God of all comfort from others in the midst of our struggles and we miss the opportunity to GIVE the God of all comfort to others whose struggles mirror our own."Move on Pg 38 

It is so important that we be transparent in our every day lives and this includes social media, and other outlets where stories are told, especially stories that give us a mere snapshot, the good times, the thankful times. 

This thanksgiving, I'm choosing to change my ways. Instead of getting a glimpse of a life that appears to be blissful and happy, I will share my reality of having to dig deep into my messes for thankfulness in the everyday. 

I am thankful for:

My kids: They are sincere, kind, thoughtful and smart...on most days...but some days they act like their brains have been captured in those silly devices they play on. Some days they wake up complaining and go to bed the same way. They are "spirited" (WILD), rough and "all boy" (THEY KICK EACH OTHER UNDER THE TABLE AND PUNCH WHEN THEY GET TO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER).  Sometimes I catch them sitting together playing a game or talking ( I make sure I take a picture immediately and post it on Facebook!) but very soon it's usually back to complaining that someone is "too close" or looking at the other one the "wrong way" Which means that most days I am a good mother but there are many other days I should be fired. I grumble about unflushed toilets and dirty socks on the floor. I lock myself in the bathroom and read a magazine. I give my kids cereal for breakfast and lunch and dinner. 

I am thankful for my children's mostly free public education. I say mostly becuase you have to factor in supplies for science fair projects ( for which I take a picture if they win AND I post it to Facebook), diorama supplies , buying "cool" pajamas for pajama day, saving otters, wearing pink, and green and blue oh, and purple. My children's school always ranks at the top, gets  A's from the department of education, employs teachers who care and understand my children and I am thankful for that but my reality is education can be and IS homework meltdowns, late buses, forgotten papers, and parent signatures.  It is explaining exclusion while teaching inclusion and still not coming to a conclusion about the quality of time spent there. 

I am thankful for my husband. I should just stop there because he really is pretty awesome but then you would think we sit on the couch, gazing at each other, while telling each other how perfect the other one is and that just doesnt happen (except on July 19th which is our anniversery.) Most of the time, we see each other quickly as we run by with food in our mouth and the keys in our hands. Movies after the kids are in bed-those don't happen either. We argue about insignifigant things, we stomp away from each other and we have to WORK and work hard to support each other, to remain a team. I'm thankful for my husband but it is not all sunshine and roses.

I am thankful for my bed, but remain constantly tired.
I am thankful for my clothes...when they fit.
For my health-wait, no I am not thankful for that.
I AM thankful for health insurance AND access to the best doctors but I am still sick.
I am thankful for friends, but am sometimes lonely.
I prefer quiet solitude but live in loud chaos. 

I am thankful for the community where I live, but I sometimes feel the smallness of it closing in on me. It is sometimes hard to find reasons to be thankful when there is gossip, and tale-bearing, where there is the attitude of push or get knocked down, every man for himself, and especially the times where you are left to stand alone for doing the right thing. Community can be a bridge to friendship or a coutroom of distrust. I have found both equally-oftentimes defending my beliefs, my children, my choice of neighborhood and even the food I eat. I want to be thankful for the safety of my community and the opportunities it offers but becuase I am choosing to be transparent for thanksgiving this year, I must tell you, most days I remain confused and preplexed as to the kill or be killed mentality that surrounds me. 

I might need to dig deeper, to solidify already made connections- to leave myself vulnerable and to build trust. Thankfulness will come, when I least expect it- and it has in many forms- a creative mug, a handwritten note, a uplifting text. A helping hand- all if which encourage a small community of caring within the larger one. 

Which is why I am choosing this November and all other months on the calendar to be authentic -to be transparent- to be thankful for my messes and my successes. My life is not one of blissful thanksgiving every single day, even when I try to find it, declare it or live it. 

I don't want to pretend to live a great and thankful life all of the time-I don't -If I ever gave people that impression, I have failed.

Yes I am thankful, I am thankful I am a mess-  one BIG ,GLORIOUS mess. Always remembering that 
the biggest reason I have to be thankful today and everyday is that I am loved despite my faults, despite my lack of thankfulness  by a PERFECT and LOVING God- a God who will meet me whether  I'm thankful or not, whether it's November or July- whether I am messy or clean and for that I am on my knees with praise, gratefulness and of course-thanksgiving. 

Summer 2014 Baseball

Spring Camp Out

Sliver Mile~~May 2014

God is good. All of the time.

I am lacing up my running shoes and returning to the race... My Cushings disease race. A race I desperately want to win, but one that keeps placing me on the sidelines. 

This battle with Cushing Disease has been long. It has been hard. But- God is good.

All of the time.

You can read about my struggles (and triumphs ) with this disease here

http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2012/09/mary-medical-mystery.html?m=1

Here

http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2012/09/waiting-waiting-and-more-waiting.html?m=1

Here

http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2012/10/winning-race.html?m=1

Here

http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2012/10/mayo-update-race-continues.html?m=1

Here

http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2012/11/winning-isnt-everything.html?m=1

Here

http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2012/12/listen.html?m=1

Here

http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2013/01/they-will-be-sorry-they-asked.html?m=1

And here. 

http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2013/05/emerging-from-pit.html?m=1

But...

God is the same today as He was yesterday, and every single day I have struggled and will continue to struggle 

God is good. All of the time. Not just sometimes- ALL OF THE TIME. I trust Him.  I know He loves me.

I know He loves me now. 

I know He will love me tomorrow 

And every single day after that. 

This week has been hard. 

My health no longer can be ignored.

This week I have been poked, biopsied, scanned and new questions have surfaced with regards to this disease. 

For the first time since I have been diagnosed, a new word was spoken- cancer-  It's not a part of my race but is hanging out on the sidelines deciding if it wants to join me. 

Cancer is a hard word to hear- even when it is only raised as a possibility. That word can make you scared, and it is easy to let your mind wander to the darkest places when you hear it- but I'm choosing instead to focus on the truths in my Bible. God is good. All of the time. 

It was hard to listen to my doctor tell me that cancer is a possibility. The word no longer becomes a word associated with a friend, a family member, a person in line at Target. It becomes associated with me. 

Life is unpredictable. Things happen. Plans change. Uncertainty exists. God does not change He is unchanging, unwavering and solid. 

My week began with a doctor appointment and ended with a new race.

My numbers are all over the place- my ACTH is as high as it was on the day of my last pituitary surgery. My thyroid ( my new concern) is not functioning, swollen and my lymph nodes around my thyroid are enlarged. None of these things alone are good, add cushings disease and- well- it is REALLY not good.

BUT God IS good. 

All of the time 

On September 23, Kevin and I will travel to a new doctor in Chicago- an expert in the field of Cushings. The first thing that we hope will happen is to rule out cancer. 

After that hurdle, we will move forward with my treatment plan for Cushings- which unfortunately has come to the intervention I have been avoiding- the last resort- the removal of both adrenal glands- 

Whether I face a battle with my adrenal glands or thyroid cancer I know 

God is good.

All of the time.

God is a loving God

He is faithful 

He listens.

No request big or small goes unnoticed. 

Which is why I ask that you lift my family up in prayer today as we face this new challenge. I rest in His promises. I know He hears every request, plea and petition. Yours are important to me. 

God hears all of them. 

He is good to me.

It times of uncertainty-

In times of doubt-

In times of fear-

All of the time. 

Wooden Nickels

WOODEN NICKELS

Sunday morning I was woken early by just two words. Two words that had clearly just been spoken to me.

WOODEN NICKEL

So obscure these words, so seemingly random, that I was awake and thinking about them the moment I heard them, researching their meaning, looking at images of them. After all, although my sleep has been disturbed on many occasions, this was the first time it was because of wooden nickels.

Wooden nickels were most commonly used in the U.S. In the 1930 after the start of the great depression. They were issued because some merchants had difficulty making change because of times of instability. The American adage “Don't take any wooden nickels” is considered a lighthearted reminder to be cautious in ones dealings. While awake, I also glanced at several images of wooden nickels, found nothing profound and fell back asleep.

Upon waking two hours later, those two words were still playing over and over again in my head so after getting a cup of coffee, I set about to find not only the meaning of these two words and the phrase that accompanies them but what their meaning means to me personally. Little by little throughout the day, I gained a better understanding not only of their definition and origin but why I had heard them so clearly spoken to me.

“Don't take any wooden nickles” quite simply means- don't be fooled. So, to me the phrase, born out of two words, was the not so direct answer to something that had been on my mind for quite some time, especially this summer.

All summer long I have been wrestling with the topic of Bible study. I had just spent the last year in a number of group bible studies, as well as reading and journaling on my own. I had even written several books out in their entirety - all in my quest to become bible literate. The problem was that after all of that, I felt no more knowledgeable or discerning than I was when I started. Although there were times last winter where I felt completely immersed in my Bible and extremely close to God. Times like my mom's death and subsequent shunning by my family, that I relied on the Bible for comfort and direction.

 For the first time in my life I craved reading the Bible, I chased after knowledge, in the form of charismatic bible study DVD's, pod casts, books, and anything else that would teach me what I needed to know. The problem- I was relying on other peoples interpretations of what I was reading and quite possibly I was taking wooden nickles! I lacked discernment, and lost interest.

Being deceived is a scary thing and as Christians we always have to be on guard. It does not matter how educated we are or how much Bible knowledge we acquire. The fact is, Satan is a liar, the father of lies, he is a professional and he wants each and every one of us. One of Satan’s strategies is to produce counterfeits of the true faith. This could be people or doctrine. A counterfeit is a lie pretending to be the truth and Satan loves a counterfeit. This is the truth that scared me enough to take away my comfort. To make me want to stop reading. To be frightened by my lack of enough knowledge to know if I was being deceived. Even now, this is my greatest hurdle. Being scared of being deceived and  lacking trust that the Holy Spirit will guide my ways.

I was listening to everyone else thoughts and to the wisdom of the world but was not understanding the actual WORD enough to discern if everything I was reading was Truth. It terrified me.

This feeling intensified when I read a book, Woman of the Word by Jen Wilkins. In the book, she describes Counterproductive approaches to studying the Bible 

http://static.crossway.org/extra/womenoftheword/infographic/2014-wotw-infographic.jpg

and guess what? I was doing every single one of them. I was so troubled that even though I made Bible study a priority, I was doing it all wrong. I was reading devotionally and not intensely and I had lost the mind and the heart to even attempt it. So here I was, Once on fire for the Word,  now facing defeat, confusion and sadness. I even had a discussion with a trusted friend on Friday, just causal talk about upcoming options for fall bible study and I felt even more confused after she left. That confusion then turned to worry later that night-and continued the following day. As I laid my head on my pillow last night I had no idea that I would wake up, not with an answer, but an understanding, a direction and a desire to not give up.

God did not choose to whisper encouragement or comforting words. He chose to boldly say, “WOODEN NICKELS” Why? I will never know in this lifetime, but I can guess it is because He knew I did not need comfort or assurance, what I needed was direction and purpose. He knows I am a researcher, a digger of facts and He knew I would search for answers on my own, that I would desire to find out how to make sense of these words and He knew that I would be doing it on my own AND that I would be successful. That I could and I would do it.

Just by boldly placing two words before me, the answers I have been searching for all summer, were answered. How do I study my Bible? How do I discern truth? How can I give sound spiritual explanations?  How do I do this with the absolute certainty, with precision? The answer: 

I will attempt it first ON MY OWN

I will pray.

Seek wisdom to know what is good.

Seek discernment.

Think it through.

Read and read some more.

Search and listen.

To NOT TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS!

I must first read and respond to the Bible, with the Holy Spirit leading me, then I can take what I have learned and use trusted commentaries and trusted friends but until I have tried it on my own, I will never know if someone is trying to hand me a wooden nickle.

All scripture is given of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction, in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work

2 Timothy 3:16-17