Posts
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
God is good. All of the time.
I am lacing up my running shoes and returning to the race... My Cushings disease race. A race I desperately want to win, but one that keeps placing me on the sidelines.
This battle with Cushing Disease has been long. It has been hard. But- God is good.
All of the time.
You can read about my struggles (and triumphs ) with this disease here
http://givemeakahl.blogspot.com/2012/09/mary-medical-mystery.html?m=1Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
And here.
But...
God is the same today as He was yesterday, and every single day I have struggled and will continue to struggle
God is good. All of the time. Not just sometimes- ALL OF THE TIME. I trust Him. I know He loves me.
I know He loves me now.
I know He will love me tomorrow
And every single day after that.
This week has been hard.
My health no longer can be ignored.
This week I have been poked, biopsied, scanned and new questions have surfaced with regards to this disease.
For the first time since I have been diagnosed, a new word was spoken- cancer- It's not a part of my race but is hanging out on the sidelines deciding if it wants to join me.
Cancer is a hard word to hear- even when it is only raised as a possibility. That word can make you scared, and it is easy to let your mind wander to the darkest places when you hear it- but I'm choosing instead to focus on the truths in my Bible. God is good. All of the time.
It was hard to listen to my doctor tell me that cancer is a possibility. The word no longer becomes a word associated with a friend, a family member, a person in line at Target. It becomes associated with me.
Life is unpredictable. Things happen. Plans change. Uncertainty exists. God does not change He is unchanging, unwavering and solid.
My week began with a doctor appointment and ended with a new race.
My numbers are all over the place- my ACTH is as high as it was on the day of my last pituitary surgery. My thyroid ( my new concern) is not functioning, swollen and my lymph nodes around my thyroid are enlarged. None of these things alone are good, add cushings disease and- well- it is REALLY not good.
BUT God IS good.
All of the time
On September 23, Kevin and I will travel to a new doctor in Chicago- an expert in the field of Cushings. The first thing that we hope will happen is to rule out cancer.
After that hurdle, we will move forward with my treatment plan for Cushings- which unfortunately has come to the intervention I have been avoiding- the last resort- the removal of both adrenal glands-
Whether I face a battle with my adrenal glands or thyroid cancer I know
God is good.
All of the time.
God is a loving God
He is faithful
He listens.
No request big or small goes unnoticed.
Which is why I ask that you lift my family up in prayer today as we face this new challenge. I rest in His promises. I know He hears every request, plea and petition. Yours are important to me.
God hears all of them.
He is good to me.
It times of uncertainty-
In times of doubt-
In times of fear-
All of the time.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Wooden Nickels
WOODEN NICKELS
Sunday morning I was woken early by just two words. Two words that had clearly just been spoken to me.
WOODEN NICKEL
So obscure these words, so seemingly random, that I was awake and thinking about them the moment I heard them, researching their meaning, looking at images of them. After all, although my sleep has been disturbed on many occasions, this was the first time it was because of wooden nickels.
Wooden nickels were most commonly used in the U.S. In the 1930 after the start of the great depression. They were issued because some merchants had difficulty making change because of times of instability. The American adage “Don't take any wooden nickels” is considered a lighthearted reminder to be cautious in ones dealings. While awake, I also glanced at several images of wooden nickels, found nothing profound and fell back asleep.
Upon waking two hours later, those two words were still playing over and over again in my head so after getting a cup of coffee, I set about to find not only the meaning of these two words and the phrase that accompanies them but what their meaning means to me personally. Little by little throughout the day, I gained a better understanding not only of their definition and origin but why I had heard them so clearly spoken to me.
“Don't take any wooden nickles” quite simply means- don't be fooled. So, to me the phrase, born out of two words, was the not so direct answer to something that had been on my mind for quite some time, especially this summer.
All summer long I have been wrestling with the topic of Bible study. I had just spent the last year in a number of group bible studies, as well as reading and journaling on my own. I had even written several books out in their entirety - all in my quest to become bible literate. The problem was that after all of that, I felt no more knowledgeable or discerning than I was when I started. Although there were times last winter where I felt completely immersed in my Bible and extremely close to God. Times like my mom's death and subsequent shunning by my family, that I relied on the Bible for comfort and direction.
For the first time in my life I craved reading the Bible, I chased after knowledge, in the form of charismatic bible study DVD's, pod casts, books, and anything else that would teach me what I needed to know. The problem- I was relying on other peoples interpretations of what I was reading and quite possibly I was taking wooden nickles! I lacked discernment, and lost interest.
Being deceived is a scary thing and as Christians we always have to be on guard. It does not matter how educated we are or how much Bible knowledge we acquire. The fact is, Satan is a liar, the father of lies, he is a professional and he wants each and every one of us. One of Satan’s strategies is to produce counterfeits of the true faith. This could be people or doctrine. A counterfeit is a lie pretending to be the truth and Satan loves a counterfeit. This is the truth that scared me enough to take away my comfort. To make me want to stop reading. To be frightened by my lack of enough knowledge to know if I was being deceived. Even now, this is my greatest hurdle. Being scared of being deceived and lacking trust that the Holy Spirit will guide my ways.
I was listening to everyone else thoughts and to the wisdom of the world but was not understanding the actual WORD enough to discern if everything I was reading was Truth. It terrified me.
This feeling intensified when I read a book, Woman of the Word by Jen Wilkins. In the book, she describes Counterproductive approaches to studying the Bible
and guess what? I was doing every single one of them. I was so troubled that even though I made Bible study a priority, I was doing it all wrong. I was reading devotionally and not intensely and I had lost the mind and the heart to even attempt it. So here I was, Once on fire for the Word, now facing defeat, confusion and sadness. I even had a discussion with a trusted friend on Friday, just causal talk about upcoming options for fall bible study and I felt even more confused after she left. That confusion then turned to worry later that night-and continued the following day. As I laid my head on my pillow last night I had no idea that I would wake up, not with an answer, but an understanding, a direction and a desire to not give up.
God did not choose to whisper encouragement or comforting words. He chose to boldly say, “WOODEN NICKELS” Why? I will never know in this lifetime, but I can guess it is because He knew I did not need comfort or assurance, what I needed was direction and purpose. He knows I am a researcher, a digger of facts and He knew I would search for answers on my own, that I would desire to find out how to make sense of these words and He knew that I would be doing it on my own AND that I would be successful. That I could and I would do it.
Just by boldly placing two words before me, the answers I have been searching for all summer, were answered. How do I study my Bible? How do I discern truth? How can I give sound spiritual explanations? How do I do this with the absolute certainty, with precision? The answer:
I will attempt it first ON MY OWN
I will pray.
Seek wisdom to know what is good.
Seek discernment.
Think it through.
Read and read some more.
Search and listen.
To NOT TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS!
I must first read and respond to the Bible, with the Holy Spirit leading me, then I can take what I have learned and use trusted commentaries and trusted friends but until I have tried it on my own, I will never know if someone is trying to hand me a wooden nickle.
All scripture is given of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction, in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work
2 Timothy 3:16-17
Friday, May 30, 2014
Be still
To not move.
To be still.
To be silent.
To listen.
It's hard until-
It becomes necessary.
Until the door slams.
Until things
fall apart.
Until trials come.
Sometimes it takes these trials, these limited options, personal struggles, heartache, and suffering to bring you to a place where you are face down.
Crying out.
A place you find yourself trapped knowing the only person who can help you is God.
Adversity humbles us. It clears away sin. It allows Christ in.
When we suffer, we are reminded what matters most.
Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the firery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing has happened to you; but rejoice to the extent you partake of Christ's sufferings that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.
- 1 Peter 4:12-13
Suffering is to be expected in life.
It's not something to tuck away and silently face. We need to be truthful about where we have come from. We need to not only deliberately remember for ourselves but we are called to share with others: to praise God even when things are tough. We should not hide the things that hurt us because we are ashamed or afraid
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. - 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4
This is why I choose to share my struggles with others, not just my Facebook self, but my real self.
I am once again in the very place I was in 2008 and in 2012. My Cushings disease is out of remission and this has caused a dark cloud to form over my mostly sunny life.
I ignored it all winter.
I denied it.
I stuffed it.
Now I fall to my knees because of it. I am here again. Sick. Tired. Hurting.
But... This is the time I must remain still,
I must rely on faith not sight.
The time where I am reminded once again- I cannot live in my own strength- I need God.
I need to hope in Him. Trust in Him. Pray to Him. I need to believe what He says is true.
God's plans for me are much bigger that the ones I have created for myself.
God's plans always turn out well for those who believe.
It is this belief that makes me able to face another round of this disease.
This battle is not mine to win. It is His. It will turn out well, I need only be still.
Believe me, my thoughts have to be very intentional. It's hard to feel like I'm losing control of my health again. To feel worry creep in, to put my family through this again.
But I cannot ignore this fact any longer. I am ready to get serious, knowing every single day I complain about it and ignore it is another day I am held captive to it.
God's got this but I need to control how I act as I face this again-when I feel frozen with fear. When I act out of frustration with the long, tedious testing process, I must remember:
God already knows how this turns out. It turns out well.
So, after 2 failed brain surgeries, countless trips to the Mayo Clinic, and 8 years of fighting it, here I go again-
Since I have already had 2 tumors removed as well as 1/2 of my pituitary my neurosurgeon will not go in again, not even to look, it's just too risky. My options at this point are limited:
I can remove both of my adrenal glands which would stop production and tumor growth but leave me at risk for many complications and a life time of replacement therapy.
I can try experimental drug interventions which have no guarantee and plenty of risks or if they can visualize another tumor on my MRI, gamma knife radiation. None if these options make me giddy.
We are also faced with finding a new treatment facility. The Mayo Clinic is a 9 hour drive and aftercare would be difficult. After I am released by the Mayo clinic they can send my records and their recommendations to 1 of 3 places
The Cleveland clinic, Ohio State wexler medical center or the pituitary and neuroendocrinolgy center at the university of Michigan.
This might take until the fall.
So this morning as I face a difficult summer, I am also reminded that every single trial in my life brings me closer to God. It gives me the opportunity to show God's grace to my friends and family in the most amazing ways.
For I, The Lord Your God will hold your right hand, saying to you, Fear not, I will help you. - Isaiah 41:13
My job is to
be still.
Thank you friends for sticking by me- I know right now I'm not an easy friend. I would appreciate it if you could add me to your prayers this summer.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Compassion International
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PorUJM8O_lI&sns=em
Compassion International is a fabulous organization. Please take a minute to watch the video and make a choice to help a child. As Christians we are called to love and serve the poor, to make a difference in people's lives and to bless others. Please consider sponsoring a child.
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