A NEW BEGINNING

The end of summer vacation for me always signals new beginnings -a time to start fresh. Not only do I get fresh haircuts and buy new school supplies for my kids, I am provided new and endless opportunities: to volunteer, to start a new job, to begin a new exercise routine and to set new goals. 

For me, it seems that the weeks leading up to a new school year are when I am  best at decision making, delegation and scheduling. It is a time when I am extremely productive and brutally honest when choosing what makes it on my calendar and into my daily schedule. I find if I don't keep these things in check at this time the rest of the school year will not flow smoothly and new beginnings make way to winter chaos.

My personality is one in which decision making is usually "go BIG or go home" halfway doesn't work and full commitment is necessary. 

It seems that when I am knee-deep in the chaos of new beginnings I make the most drastic changes.

This year was no different.

All summer I have been on a drug to treat my Cushing's disease. It was a last (very last) ditch effort for treatment and my only hope medically to avoid adrenal surgery. 

 And...one that I was not comfortable taking, but took anyway -

off label 

black labeled 

three pills a day 

all summer long. 

It DID seem to be working. I shed a few pounds, was sleeping great and the effects of the disease were diminishing a little each day.

BUT

I learned that the quality of my life is important too. I learned that labels lie. And that the "may cause stomach discomfort" on this medicine should have actually read: "you will not leave the restroom of your home. All social activities will cease and you will consume massive amounts of TUMS just to just get yourself from the fetal position on the couch out the door to civilization.This will be for the entire duration you take this medicine."

With this summer medicine memory still fresh in my mind and because I am best at new beginnings in the midst of chaos, this year at back to school time I made a BIG decision. 

I have decided that I will no longer treat my Cushing's disease. Not with this medicine. Not with surgery. I'm going to stop any/all medical interventions at this time.  I will not even consider another medical intervention until next summer and possibly not even then. I'm done. Exhausted. Finished. 

Since 2007 I've had I have been to two major medical centers, have seen countless doctors from all over the world. I've had two brain surgeries, two tumors removed, the right side of my pituitary gone, I have taken drugs that were experimental, spent thousands of dollars and countless time and energy trying to beat this disease and now it is time to stop. 

Not to give up hope -but to stop seeking medical interventions.

It is time that I rest. Rest my body. Rest my mind. And most importantly rest in God's care. 

I will rest in the fact that God will protect me and keep me safe. God will provide wisdom to understand the struggle. I must STOP and REST long enough to not only ask the questions but to listen and to wait for His responses. 

Chronic health problems cause stress, fear, discouragement, loneliness and depression. The simplest decisions are overwhelming and they consume you. I'm choosing to let go of all of that as Jesus calls me back from that fear to my faith. It is because of God's complete protection I feel secure in making this decision. God does not see my struggles like I do. God does not see Cushing's disease like I do.

I see stress. He sees opportunity. I see crisis. He sees potential for growth. So as I began this new school year I'm choosing to turn from myself to the strength of God and God, by his grace will keep me from fear, sadness and hopelessness. 

If there is one thing struggles can reveal it is the strength of faith. Every struggle that has come into my life has been a test of my faith. I've held into this verse from 

James 1:3  "for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." But now I need to read further because 

Verse 5 continues on to say:

" if any of you lacks wisdom let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."

When I am fearful and when I am hopeless I am doubting.

So in my new beginning I will stop.

 I will seek wisdom.

 I will rest in His promises.

I will not focus on my weaknesses but will be driven to prayer and to leaning on God's strength. 

New beginnings are not always easy. In fact, most of the time they are hard. Showing my strength and faithfulness to God, no matter what I face, is what I'm called to do.  It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. I know I must take this time to see the resolution available to me by investing my time, clearing my schedule and spending my days in faithful and persistent prayer to God. Relying solely on his grace and promises.

Not invasive surgeries. 

Not black label drugs. 

Not worry.

I have to stop fighting it and fearing it and know that God will use it for good. He is in control. 

So Instead of continually pleading for my suffering to end I will learn this year to accept it and pray about it and seek direction in the midst of it.  To see the good in it and enjoy my life in spite if it. 

To stand no matter how hard it becomes. 

To know  it will be worth it.

I am cared for and protected, and, because of this complete protection from God,  in this new beginning I feel secure. 

I feel comfort. 

I feel peace.

 I can rejoice. 

It won't be easy. 

He doesn't promise ease. 

But I will be protected and I will be at peace knowing it was in Him I placed my trust. 

Please pray for me as I begin. 

Here's to a wonderful, restful year!!