Yesterday I prayed over this bottle of pills just like I had done 30 days ago before I took the first dose. This bottle contains the drug Keteconozole.
Using it to treat Cushing's disease is considered off-label, unconventional, experimental, and for me, it signals a new hope for relief from a disease I've been battling for eight years.
This bottle also serves as a reminder of WHO is my hope.
After 30 days with no change in symptoms but plenty of side effects, after days on the couch and nights with little sleep, I had allowed my mind to wander briefly to that place where defeat exists, where losing becomes a possibility and winning doesn't happen-the place where I am almost out of options-almost out of interventions, a place that I depend upon doctors and treatment plans and weird pills-a place that allowed me to look at
ONE bottle of pills
ONE doctor
ONE more try
ONE more dose
A place where I forgot to look to
THE ONE -
THE ONE WHO HEALS.
THE ONE WHO NEVER LEAVES.
THE ONE WHO ALREADY KNOWS.
THE ONE WHO IS NEVER OUT OF OPTIONS.
During the eight years I have battled this disease I have been swinging like a giant pendulum between
sickness and health
remission and failure
weak and strong
despair and hope.
This new year- I am choosing to focus on HOPE.
Hope is a word that I will cling to as I start 2015-not in a blow out a candle or toss a penny in the fountain kind of way hope but biblical hope.
I don't just WISH to be healthy. I have never in eight years just crossed my fingers and waited-wishing to be healthy. The hope I cling to is the hope that I find in my Bible.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (ESV)
The hope in the Bible is seeing the good or expecting good even when it seems I am without options.
It is confident.
It is assured.
It is certain.
HOPE is a wonderful thing even if I hold just a tiny sliver of it or a promise of it. Knowing God will act and trusting that he will is hope.
The very heart of the gospel message is HOPE.
In him we have obtained an inheritance having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of His will.
Ephesians 1:11 (ESV)
God is the only one who can offer me hope in the middle of this pain. It's not just God's intention but it's His heart's desire.
Since the first symptom and ultimate surgery to every follow up, additional surgery, test, and MRI, I know none of this pain is wasted -NONE.
I know God is glorified through the healthy and the sick and he is faithful. The Bible assures me
My times are in Your hands.
Psalm 31:15
God is in complete control.
When my life is spinning ,He holds me tighter
When I am facedown, He lifts me up.
My times are not in the control of my disease. My times are in His control and because of that, I can continue to hope and to be assured that no matter what happens ,it will be used for good.
GOOD doesn't necessarily mean freedom from this illness.
Maybe GOOD is bringing hope or strength to someone else facing hardship
Maybe GOOD is how this disease has made me completely transparent about my struggles, possibly opening the door for others to feel confident enough to share their struggles or maybe the GOOD is simply the journey.
Learning to trust His promises , learning to praise Him in every circumstance and teaching myself to search the scriptures for assurance instead of googling possible results.
Making time to be with Him by searching has already allowed me to know:
Because of hope I am secure.
And you would be secure because there is hope Job 11:18 (ESV)
Because of hope I am confident.
Lead me in your truth and teach me for you are the God of my salvation on you I will wait all the day. Psalm 25:5 (ESV)
Because of hope I will wait.
Wait on the Lord ;be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:14
Because of hope my strength is renewed.
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount up with wings like eagles they shall run and not be weary they shall walk and not faint Isaiah 40:31
I will wait.
I will strengthen my faith.
I will hope.
May 2015 bring you the assurance of HOPE no matter what you are facing.
🎶"I find my strength. I find my hope. I find my help, IN CHRIST ALONE. "🎶
This song is a great reminder who to cling to during difficult times!
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