Lately, I do not like the phone. I am so tired of the back and forth calling between the doctors office and me. I have decided to try a new strategy when I call. I will start with my speech. It will go like this:
Hello! It is Mary again. I am sure you know me because I probably yelled at you yesterday. If you are new, my apologies for yelling at you later. I just held for 5 minutes. To you, someone who is getting paid, that might not seem like a long time, but you see, I am not getting paid. I have 2 children who come running to me with "emergencies" the minute the phone is at my ear. I am trying to unload the dishwasher and load the washing machine and having phone attached to my ear makes this all very difficult. So- no more of my time is wasted let me be clear. I do not care if you like me. I am not calling to tell you Hello or to see what you did last night or even how you like your eggs. I am calling because I am SICK! I need my test results. I need to SPEAK with the nurse or doctor. To you these numbers may not seem like much but to me they will change how smoothly my nice little life is right now. The return phone call should happen before 5 PM tonight. I do not care if you have to grab the person who is about to change the paper towel roll and have them call me, at least then I will know you are thinking about me. Just CALL! And here is a little tip: When I ask you if my test results are in- ACT STUPID- you do not need to tell me they are in but the doctor needs to review them and to do so would not be good for you because you see, then I know you are looking at my numbers and I will become relentless in my quest to pry them out of you. Finally- I am allowed to get "the ugly voice"- be thankful you can not see my "hairy eyeball". I do not like to do it but I am sure you will push my voice into sounding very ugly. Remember I get to sound ugly I am SICK and not getting PAID! You, however, do not get that luxury, you are hopefully not sick and you are getting paid. I am sure you have heard or even witnessed yourself, If your voice turns ugly mine turns downright hideous. So should we review? No holding, phone call back, no mean voice. Any questions?
Good-Bye