Emerging From The Pit

 

Yesterday, as we sat by the pool, I suddenly realized- we did it!,  Our family has finally emerged from the pit. The light that was shinning yesterday came not only from the sky but from within each of us. The light in our lives was shinning brightly once again and am I so thankful for that!  This was me in November of this year. My neurosurgeon had just gone through my nose to gain access to the tumor on my pituitary. After finding it embedded, he removed the entire right side of my pituitary gland. To do this he punctured my sinuses and sucked it all out through my nose with a vacuum.   As you can see, I was not a pretty sight. As a family, we hoped this signified a new beginning. A life free of battling this horrid disease and the start of our climb out of the pit. "The Lord sustains them on their sickbed and restores them from their bed of illness." Psalm 41:13

 Making the 9 hour trip home from the Mayo Clinic was equal parts horrifying and surreal.  BUT we made it.  "And the God of all grace who carried you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong."1 Peter 5:10

 Upon our return to Indiana we got the news that Kevin's dad had died. We continued sinking further into a pit. At this point it seemed bottomless, with no chance of clawing our way out.. Kevin could not leave me, I could not travel, there was to be no stress. Kevin could barely mourn the loss of his father and further we fell. I know without a doubt,  at this point, God was the only person holding our family together. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed-perplexed but not in despair." 2 Corinthians 4:8

 Even during this time Kevin somehow managed to keep himself together not only tending to his sick wife but also providing round the clock medical care,  making multiple phone calls to my team of doctors, keeping me together physically as well as mentally, cooking, cleaning, managing school work- but he also managed to keep the family traditions of tree decorating and cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner.  He did this ALL while trying to figure out how he was going to leave me and go to his Dad's funeral.  He was unable to grieve and I was unable to give him emotional support. Our pit became deeper and darker but we still continued to claw. "Jesus came to give us an abundant life but not a trouble free life.  Part of of the abundance he offers to those who belong to Him is the power of His spirit to overcome what others can not." Joyce Meyer

 At this point we did what any parents would do in desperate times- we left our 11 year old in charge of his mother, sent Gabe to our friends house so Kevin could drive to Iowa to be with his family.  During the time Kevin was gone, Ben took his position of caretaker very seriously- reminding me to take my medicine, making me toast, and giving me an endless supply of Sprite. At night, God was especially watchful and eased Ben's fears so he would not push the ADT panic alarm he slept with. During this time I learned our kids can accomplish almost anything if just give them the chance to prove themselves and while Kevin was gone, I felt God's hand beginning to guide me out  "but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm. Proverbs 1:33

 After Kevin's return, life started moving again. Our pit did not seem as large or deep and we could see peeks of sunshine through the darkness.  We attended Christmas concerts,

 decorated cookies,

 attended Ben's play,

 attended football games,

  We also were able to accomplish larger tasks. Kevin somehow completed the Christmas shopping  and found out that making big decisions in the gift buying department is a hard job when you are doing it alone. It was just as difficult for me, to let go of things I once controlled, I was not only doing this with day to day tasks but learning to be still and let God help with every task.  Things like huge crowds and decision making were just too much! It was also around this time  I was dealing with horrible situational depression and the pit was starting to once again close tighter around me, peeks of sunshine were covered with clouds, and I started to focus on the clouds- I had just had a major surgery and thought I should be celebrating my victory over my disease but my numbers were saying the opposite and with every blood draw, the reality became clearer.. Not only was I not cured, my numbers indicated I was not even in remission. That was difficult for me to hear. I felt defeated and sad but as tight as the walls seemed around me, I knew that Gods hand was still on mine gently pulling me out. I still trusted Gods plan for me and learned in so many ways that trials bring you closer to God- I feel like my illness was part of Gods plan to draw me near. A time when the Holy Spirit was doing his greatest work in me. "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

 We spent New Years Eve at home. the boys did not seem to mind. They drank soda from 2 liter bottles and had a Wii tournament.  I prayed silently while lying on the couch that night that God would continue to heal my family. I prayed that 2013 would be a good year.  I prayed that somehow we would climb to the top once again.

 So January began and with it the knowledge that God is the only one who can cure me. He is the only one who can heal my family. HE ALONE. During January I started a bible study with a group of women. I tried every excuse to back out but my friend would not let me. Believe me-I tried! She bought the study guide for me and assured me she would pick me up even if it meant getting me out of bed herself. I was so thankful for this because this bible study saved me. It saved me from slipping further down into the pit and every week I attended I could feel God tugging me a little bit more towards the surface. Being part of this group gave me the strength and confidence I need to begin healing. For our family to claim victory over these events in our lives.

 I was able to start doing the things like a trip to the local news station with Gabe.

 and the art museum with Ben.

 We were able to go as a family to watch Gabe's basketball games.

 Kevin and the boys were able to go on their winter camp out with the confidence that I would be OK.

 And watch the Harlem Globetrotters (before I choked on a hot dog)

 Attend science night at school,

And see that Ben had won a ribbon!

Our family enjoyed the  Pinewood Derby

The Blue/ Gold Banquet,

 And watch this sweet boy turn 8!

 Somewhere during that time I started to heal. My numbers said  I was not cured or in remission. The doctors were saying it had failed but I felt differently. I felt happy again and the light returned to my eyes. I not only felt the walls of the pit crumble, but I once again felt light shinning down on me. I felt it, people noticed. Because I was healing, our whole family began to heal as well. We were stronger that before and learned many lessons on faith and family. We learned that God is the only one who can heal. He is the only one that can take a families darkness and make light shine from them again. "Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me." Psalm 30:2

We are  looking forward to summer days

 Sitting here

 Thanking God for his healing power and the strength for new beginnings  and for family.

 Our bible study just concluded for the summer. On our last day we had the opportunity to share how the bible study had spoke to our hearts. My lengthy reply was:

 

I feel so blessed. My life right now feels full and wonderful. I feel like I am closer to the peace that surpasses all understanding. I have felt the healing power of God's grace and presence so many times over the past months and I have come to understand something very important. God has never left me, He has been by my side through everything-big or small. Every event, every heartache, every triumph. He has been trying to reach me my whole life-it was just that until recently, I chose not to answer. Being a part of a group of women like this has given me the courage I needed to answer Gods call to me. It was only after I chose to answer that God has transformed my life. He has taken a broken heart and made it whole. He ALONE did this. This bible study has not only opened my heart but made it grow and led me in the right direction. For six months I have felt a gentle nudge to get my thoughts onto paper to talk about Gods healing in my life but no matter how I tried, it was too overwhelming. Yesterday as I prepared for my last session, I was reflecting on how it has changed me. A devotional came to my inbox. it spoke of hearing from God but being so afraid of responding for fear of making a mistake. Fear of whether you are really hearing from God. The devotional talked about how God was speaking to her to try and get her to do something and she kept saying,"Lord, what if I miss you? what if I'm not really hearing you and I do the wrong thing?God said, "Do not worry if you miss me, I will find you." So after months of struggling to get my thoughts on paper, to find the right words, to listen for direction and to pray about how I would tell my story. I realized no matter what I say or write God will be with me. God does not care how I tell my story, just that I tell it. Just my words spilled out to tell about how he transformed my life, my relationship with Him and how he can take even the most broken and make them whole again.
We have become a society of connections, not to people but to technology. From the invention of the telephone we have become a world that relies on our connections to each other. We have come to rely so much on our gadgets that simply forgetting them at home causes us to panic. When we are asked to silence them or put them away we obsessively check for missed calls and missed opportunities. What if we treated our relationship with God just like we treat our phones? Never without Him, checking in with Him first thing in the morning, all throughout our day and as the last thing we do in the evening?What if we panicked when we find we are at only 19% power with God and when our light gets dim we run to the nearest plug in to refuel? 
What if we listened to God like we listen to our phones. Every beep, ding, vibration getting our full attention?
I feel like my story is a series of both un answered and answered call from God. sometimes ringing loudly, other times a soft hum in the background. This bible study has been like the call that jars you from a restful sleep at night. Throughout the last several month's, each call was played back on my life, every recording, beep hum amid buzz and what I have learned but it has taken me a very long time to figure out is that if God is calling you, you should really pick up the phone. More importantly, however, is that you should take the time to call Him as well. Psalm 20:1 says May the Lord answer you when you are in distress, may the name of God of Jacob protect you. so instead of reaching for your cell phone to call a friend about your problems call God instead.
My story is all about those calls from God at every point in my life. The calls He wants me to talk to others about to bring others closer to Him. I feel like he brought all of you, and even this particular study of David  to be the beginning of that journey. Because of the love and support of a group of women who seek God and continually work towards being "women after God's own heart" I feel like I have become more bold in my quest. Each story we told, every word of encouragement that was provided brought us all closer to each other and closer to God..
What have I learned from this study? 
I am loved. I am supported. I am not alone. I will tell my story so that others can seek to be people after God's own heart as well.. If just one person turns to Him as a result of me, I will have done something amazing. If I can open someone's heart to Him, mine will grow as well.
I am looking forward to summer, to new beginnings and the confidence that God is only a call away. I just need to pick up the phone!