Winning Isn't Everything

I lied.  I said my next post would only happen when I could announce I was victorious- that I had won my race.  I think winning is overrated. Winning isn't everything.

In the last two weeks I have learned that victory doesn't always mean winning. Victory is not defined by whether you cross a finish line.  Victory is achieved by simply moving forward the best way you can. Sometimes it is the lessons learned along the path, the small victories that change you and make you stronger. I am still winning my race, it might be taking longer than expected but I am still winning. Today I feel like I can celebrate and share some of my small victories.
I can sneeze and blow my nose again. If you think this is not a big deal try NOT doing it for 2 weeks and get back to me.
I can drive.
I can be in the same room with food and not have to take anti nausea medicine.
I can sleep on my side and not feel like my brains have slipped into my throat.

Medically speaking, we know this surgery did not CURE me-good old zero never came BUT we found out today, my numbers are dropping and dropping is GOOD-zero is overrated !
My ACTH level is non existent-not there-gone. half of my pituitary gone, tumor gone, ACTH gone.
Gone is GOOD.
Before surgery I tried to prepare myself. I thought I could remain positive but what I found was that I was ill equipped to deal with it. Today I feel like I am having more good days and less bad and GOOD is GOOD!

The last 2 weeks have been the hardest of my life so far- At one point during the last two weeks, I even spoke the words, "I do not want to live anymore." and I wasn't being dramatic-I was being serious. I have thrown myself some awesome pity parties in the last 2 weeks, to bad no one could come, they were  Oscar worthy performances.  Speaking of Oscars, Kevin deserves the Oscar for best supporting actor in a horror film. He has been a rock- caring for our children, our home, our finances all while helping his sick wife AND grieving the loss of his father. He also somehow managed to cook a 16 pound turkey with all of the fixings AND put the Christmas decorations up- THE OSCAR GOES TO KEVIN!!!!! My rock, and the love of my life!

So today I would like to announce my race is moving on, going forward. Cure or no cure. Late remission or not. I must move forward knowing I have God's strength on my side. Knowing that having Him on my team is what matters anyway. No more talk in medical terminology, no talk of failures, remissions or numbers. I am choosing today to focus on the story that really matters, the story of the race we all want to be a part of. The story of grace, humility and faith.
The story I will tell soon...

Ben's Party Day

We celebrated Ben's 11th birthday with his friends Friday night.

 A perfect group of kids!

We feel so blessed Ben has such a great group of friends.

Just Dance 4- I had a great time watching them dance.  Wondering where Ben is? He was on the floor break dancing

Pappy gave Ben this Air Moon Jack. It is the coolest pogo stick around. Pappy is our neighbor and has been a great friend to Ben. We love it when he just shows up when we need him the most!!! Pappy and Ben can just sit and talk for hours. We know they are friends for life!

Jamie gave Ben a Iron Man Lego and this book- the third in the continuation of the  Percy Jackson series. Jamie is a great friend to Ben, someone he can count on. They share a lot of interests and Jamie doesn't mind if Ben talks about them- A LOT! Jamie is patient and kind.

 Riley gave Ben a Lego Advent calendar and a gift card to Barnes and Noble. Riley is  such a wonderful girl. She was here with 5 boys and it did not bother her in the least. Riley is such a blessing to Ben because she is patient and understanding. Riley is very quiet but she is also very strong. She has a solid value and belief system, and does not let anyone else influence her decisions.

Rylan gave Ben a whole bag of Notre Dame Football things including a football, a bag, a red ND hat, a ND jersey, and ND football gloves-really cool, one of a kind gloves.  A year ago I could not have imagined this being a present Ben would receive but it is because of Rylan that Ben has truly started to enjoy football. For many years on the playground, Ben was told he couldn't play. No one would choose him for their team. It wasn't until Rylan stood up and said, I want Ben and we will play on our own team. He actually threw the ball to Ben, Ben caught it and that was all it took for our child, who has been told he couldn't to believe he could. Rylan believes in Ben and that is awesome!!

 Dominic gave Ben a gift card.  Dominic and Ben have been friends for a long time. Dominic is the most "go with the flow" child I know.  He is truly happy doing whatever. Ben can always count on Dominic to be there for him. They love hanging out together and enjoy a lot of  the same things. We love that Dominic teaches Ben to be flexible.

 Justin gave Ben some Halo guys and Halo Legos. Justin is a very kind boy. Justin was new last year at Ben's school and I love that he gets along with everyone. Justin is one of the friends at school  Ben knows he can count on.

Halloween 2012

I never thought Gabe would pick a pumpkin. He had so many he wanted to take home and had a very hard time choosing!

The perfect pumpkin

The kids abandoned Kevin to play football

Ben's Pumpkin

Gabe and Kevin ready to trick or treat!

Off they go!

 Gabe was able to go with his friend Sam, one last time. Sam's family moved the very next day to Washington.

Pool Closed-Septmber 29, 2012

The kids did not want it to close!

One last splash of water!

NOOOOOO!!!!!

Weird children

I do not like the last swim of the season. It makes me sad.  Even though I like winter and love a good snowstorm, closing the pool means having to admit, another summer has somehow past us by...